Sweet B turns one!

January 25th, was baby Bronwyn's birthday.  She turned one.

She's not here, but we couldn't just let the day pass with recognizing its importance.

Carson especially wanted us to celebrate.  As we were on our way to pick out her cake, he said, "I just wish she didn't have to be without her family on her birthday."  He has since offered to share his May birthday with her because she will likely be home by the time his birthday rolls around. 

The day before her special day we went to pick out her cake.  Kaden and Carson finally settled on a bright Hello Kitty cake.  Adrian and Madison were agreeable to almost anything, so Hello Kitty it was.

Then Carson went with Mama to Walmart and he helped her pick out a couple of little gifts for Bronwyn.  He also picked out a card he thought she would really like, and wrote her a special message.

Of course we had a few little presents for Sweet B as well.

... and we thought about what to have for supper before we ate her cake.  We were a little short on time, since Wednesdays are clubs nights, so we chose to whip up a Mennonite meal of cottage cheese perogies, farmer sausage and white gravy with veggies.  Plain and simple, and so yummy.  Something we'll introduce little B to as soon as she gets home.

So we wrote a little card for the little one that has caught our hearts before we've even met her, and lit a candle to celebrate her first year.

Then we prayed a prayer of blessing over Sweet B, and we wait with anticipation until she's here in our home where she belongs so that all other birthday celebrations can include hugs and kisses and giggles and complete family pictures.

And as we offer her little gifts on this special day, we are more aware than ever that she is the real gift - from the giver of every good and perfect gift.

An unexpected gift!

We were blessed with an early Christmas present this year. 
I can't remember the last time I was so shocked by news that I felt I couldn't stand up.
We were visiting with people at the Pastor's Open House shortly before Christmas in the church foyer, when Dean stepped aside to take a cell phone call.

That call is going to change our lives. 

We'd recently been told that our adoption process was proceeding slower than expected.  We'd be waiting a long time yet.
So disappointed.
We had shared the difficult news with close friends and family, and looked at 2012 with plans for work, conferences and family vacations. 

Dean tucked his phone in his pocket and asked me to come away with him for a bit, but we hadn't made it very many steps down the hall before he whispered "We have a referral!"
I froze for a second and then felt my knees go weak.
I kept grabbing Dean's arm.
"What? What?  For real?" 

"They said to check your email - but their computers are down, so give them another hour." 
Dean ran to pick up our other 4 kids from school, while I waited...
Talking to people...
Wishing friends and church family a Merry Christmas...
All the while thinking, "I have a new daughter!"

I slipped away several times to check my inbox.
Suddenly it was there - the picture of a beautiful Chinese baby girl - almost 11 months old with cleft lip / palate. 
And this little chin that looks just like that of my other babies. 
Soft cheeks and a little bit of drool on a shiny lower lip. 
I want to kiss that little mouth and hold my cheek against hers.
Did we want her?  Did we accept this referral?

Yes!

Pastor came by my door.
Hands shaking I held out the baby pictures I'd just printed.  "Can I show you something?"
He stepped in to look, "That's our new daughter!  And Dean hasn't even seen her yet."

Dean finally came in and we looked at the pictures over and over. 
"I got to tell you!" he said. 
Dean felt that since I got to inform him the last 4 times we were going to have a baby, this time he wanted to tell me. 
But I had made sure that my cell and email and home number were on the forms.  Of course Dean's cell was on there too - in small figures under his personal info.  But for some reason - probably because Father loves these little details of our lives - the agency chose to call Dean's cell. 

A whirlwind followed: I was so desperate to fill out each form correctly and get it back to the agency in time.  I was so scared I would do something wrong or forget something. 
I calmly called Dr. Cindy (first her house, then her husband's work, then her cell, then I texted her, then I called her house again, and finally she called me back).  We went through baby's health forms and everything was wonderful.


Pictures!  I'd often imagined telling our families by giving them her picture card for Christmas.  Suddenly that was possible!
Tara!
Between Christmas gatherings and services Tara designed a pretty little card for our little one. 
Patient friend.
The newly painted bedroom in our house has been called "Bronwyn's room" for several months already. 
Her given Chinese name, Xiaoqian (pronounced Sheow chen) means Sincere Laughter or Pretty Little one ( as best as we can figure out). 
I've been learning so much about God's Grace through this process.

We will fly to pick up our little Bronwyn Xiaoqian Grace this spring sometime. 
Hurry here, season of new life and new beginnings! 

Meanwhile... since I just so happen to be in California right now - I'm shopping! 

Just look at these little boots I got at the Skechers outlet!

 And these shoes... I couldn't resist!

We can't wait to hold our unexpected gift.

A Christmas activity with a Christmas message

I love doing Christmas crafts and I've finally figured out why after much thought (or at least a couple minutes of thinking).  At Christmas time we have a reason to give all the stuff away.  Crafting is wonderful fun, and it's such a great thing to do with the kids, but then we end up with all this stuff and it breaks each little heart not to keep all the stuff and I'm SO not a stuff-keeper. 

So this is my season!  We make lots of cute things and GIVE THEM AWAY so all the stuff is somebody else's to enjoy (and somebody else's to figure out where to put it).

This year a friend of mine sent me a picture of this awesome craft - only it was made out of large chunks of wood which I didn't have access too.  Her husband owns Prairie Barnwood http://prairiebarnwood.blogspot.com/  and perhaps we'll see this nativity scene made out of 4x4 inch chunks of rustic barnwood someday. 

But for Madison and I we did a mini version.

A wonderful friend's husband cut out all these "body" pieces, and we ordered all the little balls from Canadian Lumber.  We had around 75 full 3-piece sets in total, and first did the craft with the Gems & Knights club at church.  We had around 15 sets left, and Madison and I worked on the rest one morning...

I absolutely LOVE using a glue gun, and usually don't have much reason to pull one out.  This was my time to shine.  I love the complete lack of mess, and I love the instant results.  Quick and clean.   

After we had painted all the Mary's and Joseph's, I glued the bodies together while Madison carefully attached the heads.

I'm so glad my girl is who she is. She's basically up for anything I ask her to do with me... from trying our first fresh lobster on PEI ("we" screamed and had the lady come back and take it away until she'd taken off the legs... well, I screamed and Madison giggled, and then I gagged and Madison giggled.  See, we LOVED the meat, but the legs just look so... but I digress...) to road trips, musicals, crafting and movies, she always shrugs her shoulders and says, "Sure," to most anything I suggest.

Then we had this wire from Dollarama that we cut into 18" lengths and wrapped it around Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus, with the back part swinging up over their heads.

We sanded Mary and Joseph so the painting didn't look quite so juvenile...  I call it rustic now...

And then we attached a cardstock star covered in glitter. 

Add a little raffia and...  

Voila!

And here's the best part - we have this beautiful reminder of the real meaning of Christmas.  So many kids' crafts are all about the tree or the snow or Santa or presents, and that's great too.  But I love it when I get a chance to go counter-cultural! 

Nativity scenes are my favorite Christmas decoration, and I now have 3.  A little 3-piece Bengali wooden set from Ten Thousand Villages, a ceramic scene from a local crafter, and  now this cute wooden craft. 

The nativity scene has been badly abused... light-up plastic figurines on the front yard?  plastic sets where the camel legs are bent and they keep falling over?  Please.  This little craft sends a much truer message.  Simple, beautiful, anyone can take part in this.  That's the message of Christmas.

I love fall best of all

I love fall best of all.  I love the colors, the smells and the weather.  I love the breezes and the sense of reaping or harvesting.  I love the start of new things like school and music lessons and drama and church clubs.  But fall seems the shortest season of all where we live. 

 I will always remember the gorgeous colors of the trees along the Saskatchewan river as I rattled over the Hawrelak Bridge on my way to university on the public transit for 4 years (fighting motion sickness and reciting Bible verses to calm myself at the speed our driver went around those corners). 

Somehow amidst the germs and the diesel smell of the bus, I would escape reality to focus on beauty for a little while.  The rich colors only lasted about 2 weeks, and that's part of what made it so special.

My kids' favorite part is carving pumpkins.  I hate that part of fall.  

 I sometimes catch myself thinking, "maybe the kids will forget to ask to carve pumpkins this year."
They never forget.

They beg every year to wield the razor-sharp Henckel knives and I hate the possible blood and trauma.  I insist on doing all the cutting myself.  Each one gets to draw / design their own little pumpkin character, and clean out his innards, but the knives stay in adult hands. 

I hate the goo and the slime and the way the raw pumpkins smell. 

But I love watching their faces as they create and design and scrape and shape this yearly work of art.

Once we get the seeds out we rinse and season them and bake a bunch for snacking and cracking.  That part I like.

My favorite piece of this whole yearly tradition is how much my kids love it.  What is it about turning a large orange vegetable into a face of sorts that makes the kids so excited?  I'm not sure, but the creators of VeggieTales sure knew what they were doing.  

  

And after each little pumpkin head is finished, and we are crunching away on pumpkin seeds and every little face is grinning at their pumpkin friend, I'm always glad I pretended to be excited right along with my little people.  I'm glad I stifled my gag reflex and stuck my hand down inside the stringy, semi-sticky guts of yet another pumpkin, and pulled out the slippery seeds and risked my digits to cut a pair of buck teeth into another pumpkin face. 

And now, even though we've had a beautiful and long-lasting fall, pumpkin season is over, and Christmas is around the corner...

Next... the store-bought gingerbread house with icing that tastes like glue...

My son hears God's voice...

Something I want more than anything is for my kids to recognize the voice of God.  I can't remember when I started praying this over them - or what prompted it, but "Teach him to know your voice," has been an almost nightly whisper over each little head on the pillow.

Probably because I struggle so much with this myself.  I don't want this frustration for my kids.  He tells us that His sheep know His voice - and I can recognize it when it's a matter of conscience, or something that I need to line up with the Word and then make my decision.
But how about whether to step out of my comfort zone?  How about whether to work or stay home with my kids?  How about when wanting to hear a response to "Search me and know me".  And right now my big battle is, "What do I let by the guards to my kids' hearts, and what do I stand firm and block even when every other parent thinks I'm weird?"

Adrian's friends at school - even the "church" ones are quite into the Harry Potter books right now. He came home and asked if he could read the books.  He'd already started the first one at school and found it quite interesting.
My response is always the same - let's look it up online and decide if this is something you want to feed your spirit. 
He discovered that Harry Potter is a boy who attends Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.  Harry ends up with many powers - and practices a "good" or white magic, as opposed to "dark" or bad magic. 
I showed Adrian that God's Word tells us
“There shall not be found among you anyone who …practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead.”Deut. 18:10-12
Then I asked Adrian if he still wanted to take this into his heart.  He shocked me by saying, "Yeah - because it sounds really interesting." 

We dug further and found the adults are depicted as hateful and perhaps strict. Then noted how these wizards and other creatures are the good guys. This undermined the structure of family and authority in general.  The author is quoted as saying "The idea that we could have a child who escapes from the confines of the adult world and goes somewhere where he has power, both literally and metaphorically, really appealed to me."

Adrian and I discussed the danger of viewing us parents and other authority as hateful and wrong and without his best interests in mind.  He still thought he'd like to read the books. 
The distinction between good and bad can become blurred as both the "good" and "evil" characters participate in different types witchcraft and magic
John Buckeridge, editor of the British Christian magazine Youthwork,  foresees serious danger ahead. "The growing number of books and TV shows like Harry Potter and Sabrina the Teenage Witch encourage an interest in magic as harmless fun... However, for some young people it could fuel a fascination that leads to dangerous dabbling with occult powers. So what starts out as spooks and spells can lead to psychological and spiritual damage."

So I asked Adrian if he thought maybe this could lead him to places in his heart that he didn't want to go.  I asked if he trusted me and that I preferred him to make better choices of content to fill his mind and heart with.  Adrian told me he trusted me, but that he really wanted to read the book since his friends said they were so good.

Adrian has not always enjoyed reading.  This has been an uphill battle for us, and we are at a place now where he is looking for good books. 
But an analogy I read recently made me stop and think.  It goes like this:  My child needs medicine.  He doesn't want to take the medicine.  I put it into a sweet drink to make it more palatable, and I give it to him even though there are trace amounts of arsenic in it.  At least we are getting the medicine in, right?
Is that what we do to get our kids reading - say anything goes into the spirit, because at least we are getting them reading?

 I foolishly assumed that so long as I gave my kids all the information and they understood what it was they were getting into, that they would make a healthy decision regarding their spirits.  And I can guard that heart and spirit as a parent - but only for so long.  Adrian is 12 - he needs to be practicing making these decision for himself.  And how will I stop him from reading these books at school or at a friend's?  I can put my foot down to make myself feel better - but my son still needs a heart of submission for this to work.
I was going out with my sister for coffee, so I put my son to bed and asked him to spend 20 minutes talking to God.  "Just ask Him to speak to you," I suggested as I often do.
 
Then I went out with my sister and vented, "What should I do?  Should I home school?  How can I get him to make choices based on what is good content - not on what sounds fun or that friends are doing?  Am I stifling him?  Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?  What if this is just the beginning and he makes other choices that I would prefer he not make?  I'm losing control!  My kids are growing up!  I want Jesus to come back tonight!!"

The next morning at breakfast I looked at my sleepy - eyed son and asked, "So, did you ask God about Harry Potter last night?"
"Yeah."  (It really bugs me with boys that you have to ask for every detail - they won't just offer me information as I try to understand their ever changing brains.)
"So - what did God say?"  Oh God, please have said something!   Please let my boy know your voice!
A sheepish grin and a sound of resignation as Adrian tells me, "God told me 'Not right now and I'll explain later'."
And that was it. 
All my internet research and reasoning and explanations had failed to move my son's decision. 
But 7 words whispered by Father into his heart and he found the answer.

This learning to trust Father with my kids takes on new shades and textures all the time.  I'm so aware right now, that I am not in control.  I don't like not being in control.  Another reminder - God does a better job of guiding my children than I do...

Irreplaceable You

Recently I had someone tell me who I was.  She gave several details - including the fact that I didn't have the ability to articulate things well, and that's why she noticed I just stayed out of certain arguments.  Wow.

I told Dean about this conversation, and we got a good laugh.  So many of the things she'd described about me were so NOT me!  It gave us the giggles to remember her with her hand on my shoulder, looking into my eyes and saying she understood I just wasn't the type to be silly with the kids.  She was trying to hard to be understanding and empathetic, all the while giving me a list of her own attributes and talents.

I also got serious and asked, "Is she right?"  "What part of the whole spiel she threw my way was correct?"  So, even though this particular individual doesn't know me well, she did get me thinking about what is important to me and how I see myself. 

We are all different people in different circumstances and in different relationships.  I think it's worthwhile to realize that that's one reason God gives us relationships.  Certain people bring out aspects of our personality that no one else can:

Sara... my word can we laugh!  No matter how many years span our friendship we connect on this deep foundation of joy.  This is our special gift from God that is different from every other gift of joy I've experienced.  But laughter isn't the only thing that I share with Sara.  The years when I moved from place to place, and never got to put down roots - she was an unshakable support.  One night surrounded by church people, work, and kids, and a vibrant relationship with Jesus, I called Sara up in complete despair.  "Why do I feel SO alone?"  I wailed to her?  That deep place inside that longs to connect with someone was so cold and neglected. 
She could have lectured me on what God was doing in my life - teaching me that He is my everything, and I'm never truly alone.  He was doing that, you know.   But Sara, with all her prophetic giftings, also knew when to leave something alone.  She left that alone.  Instead she quietly said few words: 
"You're deep," she said.  "And you long for depth." 
Her words broke me and I knew that the depth I was longing for would truly only be found as I embraced further intimacy with Jesus. 
With Sara I feel I can laugh uncontrollably and weep in true grief...

Cyndi... she challenges me spiritually and encourages me to go further and higher and deeper, just by watching her pursuit of the holy. 
Some of Cyndi's recent words:
" It will stir within you because deep calls to deep; the Spirit searches all things; even the deep things of God, and He will lead you into all truth and tell you things to come! His promises are so much more literal and less ethereal than we've been taught. "
"You are surrendered when you get active rather than passive- passivity is not trust... "
"exercise your spirit!,and trust; not either or, does that make sense? And don't LET FEAR HAVE ANY SAY OR INFLUENCE- fear adds a what if? Faith adds im certain! "
" the bible is a strategic manual on war! And every saint is at very least a soldier who is to take territory! The gates of hell will not withstand you as you go to war for your children! Including the one you are calling into the kingdom of light out of babylon. Be militant my friend- we are in a war-life and death are in the power of our tongue with our new creation spirit!"
The relationship I have with Cyndi - how she knows me and I know her is so different than any other.  This is an iron-sharpens-iron type friendship.

Joan... always a step ahead of me in this journey of marriage and children.  The things I have learned from Joan! - she's allowed me to make foolish statements and try things, she's tolerated my immaturity and has no idea how I've watched her wrestle to understand her position in Father's eyes, and how to go at spiritual battles through prayer.  We have seen each other two or three times in the past 11 years, and have never been at a loss for conversation.  Somehow we connected deeply in a very short period of time, and then parted ways.  Our lives are so very different - she with two almost-adults, and me with my house still full and getting fuller.  She's been generous to allow me a glimpse into raw family and marriage moments - and it's freed me to share deeply with her.  I know it's all going straight to the cross - not fodder for somebody's gossip inbox.

These are only 3 relationships - and each knows me differently.  I'm sure I only know a limited aspect of all God's created them to be as well. 

My sisters and my mom and the friends from where I live now - they know me differently as well.  
They know I'm absolutely in love with anything Jane Austen
I can't get enough of LMM - especially since my trip to PEI
I felt SO cared about when my husband brought me my 3 top chocolate choices for our anniversary. 
I don't really need cut flowers
I want to know and be known by Father more intimately every day.
I sometimes laugh at other people's pain (like when Dean ran into a tree flying a kite)
I'm crazy about love songs - "All You Can Do is Wait" is my favorite du jour!
When I get to heaven I'll know how to dance in every style
I have chased my kids around the dining room table with salad tongs more times than I can count (we were ALL laughing!)
I do NOT find Napoleon Dynamite-type movies funny.  Just stupid.
I would rather be perceived as a prude & judgemental than risk letting my kids watch/do whatever anybody else is doing
I've climbed up into a McDonald's playplace tunnel and pulled another child down by the ankle who was harassing my kid.
I'd move overseas in a heartbeat if God ever asked me to.

There's no need for Sara or Cyndi or Joan to compete for my friendship. They are irreplaceable individuals that each have a unique spot in my heart (among so many others:). No one is like each of them, and no one relates to me the way they each do.
And so just as we are different in every friendship / relationship, God is experienced differently by each person.  The way I know and relate to Him is different than the way my husband knows and relates to Him.  I LOVE that! 
In "The Shack" the character portraying Father God gets a twinkle in her eye whenever she thinks of any one of her children.  Each one makes her gush, "Oh, I'm particularly fond of him."  "Oh!  I just love her!" 
The author does a wonderful job of showing how every single one of God's children has a unique spot in His heart. There's no need for me to compete for His affections. No one is like each of us and no one can relate to God the way each one of us does. 

The Night Before the First Day of School

The Night Before the First Day of School

Twas the night before school, when all through this home
The children were bathed and their hair was all combed.
The backpacks were hung by the front door with care,
In hopes that morning soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of play grounds danced in their heads.
And Dean in his jammies, and I in mine too,
Had just finished blessing and kissing our crew.

When there on the News there arose such a clatter,
I sat up in my chair to see what was the matter.
Pictures of danger flew past like a flash,
With bullies to teachers my children might clash!

 
I worried and stewed and fretted and stressed,
From home-school to private – what would be best?      

When, what to my wondering heart should appear,
But my Bible with bookmarks at places held dear.

With a flick of the wrist, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment which one I would pick.
“God takes care of flowers, it’s wonderfully true.
 But think of how much more He cares for you!”

My Madison is pure and gentle and kind;
A funnier girl you will never find.
She is sweet and creative – a real sweetheart,
Will Father stay close while she and I are apart?

Adrian is next with his chuckle of glee;
He waves from his bike as he looks back at me.
It’s not everybody who sees his soft side
nor the tears of frustration he tries to hide.

And then, in a twinkling, I think of God’s Word
where God sees the fall of each baby bird.
He’s holding these two precious children of mine,

Guarding their spirits – making sure they are fine. 

Then there is Kaden – our sensitive soul;
He loves to create, to build and to mold.
His quiet nature finds school a real pain,
We need Holy Spirit to lead through this “rain”.

And Carson who flies by the seat of his pants,
For fun and friends he raves and rants!
Will the pull of these others, these kids in the school
Make him forget what we’ve taught as the rule?

Love the Lord God with heart, soul and strength,
For family and loved ones – go every length.
You have a purpose, a plan and design!
You are no accident, children of mine!

I will declare, I’ll decide what is true
as from God’s Word, I take my cue!
“You are the head, not the tail,” He has said,
“The top, not the bottom – you’ve nothing to dread.”

Each page of your lives was written with care
before you were born, and I called you, “Wee bear.”
Adventure, excitement, fulfillment is yours
As you pursue Jesus – His plan and course.

So settle down worries, doubts go to sleep.
I’m praying for my babies, and babies don’t keep.
Settle down fears. Uncertainty rest.
I’m trusting my Father to do what He does best.