How will I keep a pony in our backyard?

Kaden got invited to his first school birthday party last week (except for one ill-fated event in kindergarten 2 years ago).  Knowing this child with his caution about new places and new things and new people, I was thrilled that he wanted to go.

"We're going glo-bowling,"  he told me with that ear-to-ear grin that is "so Kaden".  I was so happy for him.  That one little invitation made him feel so wanted, so special.

I laid the invitation by the computer desk, with all the on-the-go papers like permission forms and fund-raising notices. 

We discussed just giving the little girl money because he didn't know what she'd like for a gift.  Kaden is very careful how he spends his money, and loves to find cash in a birthday card.  He felt this was perfect for his little friend.

He waited patiently all weekend, and if we drove down main street past the bowling alley, he'd mention that soon he'd get to go bowling with his school friends.  Monday was no school, and that should have made things go quicker... indeed it did. 

We'll say that's my excuse.  We'll blame it on Louis Riel day.  I got mixed up.  The party was to be Wednesday.  I automatically thought, "three days into the school week".  And so... today I woke up and heard Kaden telling his brother that it was getting close to the party day.  I ran downstairs and rifled through papers to find that invitation - hoping someone had taken it and I could blame someone else that I hadn't been able to see the date.

The invitation was right where I'd left it, and it clearly said the party was on Wednesday after school.  Today is Thursday. 

Kids are so forgiving. 

I only hope to some day be as gracious and quick to forgive as my son was with me. 

"Honey, we missed the bowling party," I said with my arms around him.
"Why?"
"I just forgot.  I'm sorry."
I wish he'd thrown a fit and cried and acted horrible - then I could have focused on my mom role and talked to him about handling life's disappointment, and that nobody's perfect.

Instead, he just got quiet and hung his head a bit.  "Okay," he said so sadly and quietly.

I had huge, horrible visions of me being handed a large black trophy with a monster figurine on the top.  The ugly plaque on the base said, "World's Worst Mom Award".    Yup... nobody told me about this part of being a mom.  I probably wouldn't have believed them anyway.  I would have thought there was no way I could miss something so important for someone so important.

But I did.
And now I have to somehow come up with the cash to pay for the massive glo-bowling party that I quickly promised my son - with as many friends as he wants to invite.  I must come up with a fantastic cake, great party gifts that he will be excited to hand out, and a wonderful present for him so that my guilty conscience will finally leave me alone! 

If that doesn't do it, well, there's always daily treks to Warky's and Iceburg for icecream and slurpies.  Maybe I'll see if he likes Disney on Ice, or  a new pony...  

just like Heather

Heather is a woman w/ a teenage son, a loving husband, and more volunteer commitments than she knows what to do with.  Heather is just a character in a novel, but I feel just like Heather sometimes...

"When was the last time I did anything for somebody who couldn't possibly do anything in return?
Do we ignore the downtrodden portion of humanity because we're too busy with everything else, too tired, to preoccupied with our own families and our churches?

But maybe there's more.

Maybe we're frightened that we'l bend beneath the pain we'll feel for others, that maybe we'll buckle under the atrocities some of God's creatures are forced to endure.
And will the God we've worshiped blindly from our cushioned lives hold up under the stress of a world that's bloody and brusied, blind and broken with absolutely no hope this side of heaven?"

Heather wrestles these huge ideas:

"People's souls may go on forever, but I think God wants us to help their bodies and spirits here right now too.

God wants us to care for the poor and the lonely and the sick, not just for their sake, but for ours.

Because in this, we become like Him, growing a bigger heart than we ever thought possible."

And then this lofty desire - is it a pious dream, or a Jesus-like possibility?

"I want to be safe - that place where people can fail and still be loved.  Heaven knows there are enough exhorters and admonishers, enough people with a lockdown on life, enough people who can tell all of us what to do and why and sometimes even how.  They don't need me.

But I want to be the person around whom people don't have to do a thing to be loved."

I feel like a pioneer at the very beginning of that long trek from east to west, with massive unknown obstacles along the way.  I feel just like Heather feels, but the actualization of those feelings will be my lifelong odyssey.

Check out Lisa Samson's novel Quaker Summer for the rest of Heather's story.



The King is Enthralled by your Beauty

Having a daughter on the verge of teendom (Madison turns 13 in March) has me stepping into the unknown.  In our culture today, how do I keep my daughter's self-image accurate?  What is my mother-role now?  Wow - I've been through almost a dozen books on teenage girls in the past couple of months - everything from a father's influence, to teenage modesty, to self-image to giftings...

Right now my girl seems so free and unaware of all the media hype about body image. We've always seriously limited t.v (therefore ad) exposure, and banned most magazines from our home.  She is mildly aware of all the teenage celebrities out there, but her interests in friendship, music, and church have taken precedence in her head space. 

In a few weeks she will be a teenager.  Madison is beautiful - she is thoughtful, caring and generous.  My daughter is mature beyond her years regarding empathy and responsibility.  She wants God's will for her future.  She loves children, and isn't embarassed by spending time with girls younger than herself, as she plays the big sister role to many more than just her brothers.  My girl is artistic and creative.  She takes joy in everything she tries from drama, to music to sports to youth group. 

Madison isn't a piano prodigy, but she will use her moderate skills to engage others in worship.  She isn't into reading profound academic classics of depth, but she is an intense little bookworm who gets carried away to new adventures on a daily basis. 

Her brothers adore her (most of the time), and she's kind and helpful and patient with them (most of the time).  When Kaden or Carson are frightened, they love to curl up on her lap or snuggle in her bed with her.  When she's at a friend's house, Adrian wanders around, lost without his sidekick. 

She's my favorite cooking companion, and her sense of humor is emerging to look just like mine (Dean's a little concerned).  And she's her Dad's princess, and favorite girl to take out to breakfast (I'm not willing to get up early just to get food).

But all of this treasure is considered weightless in a world that values the outward appearance above the inner being. 
Killing Us Softly is only one of dozens of sites that attempt to expose media attitudes towards and about women.  It's awful.

I am frustrated by the need to reshape, and resize our girls and women until they might approach the word "beautiful". 

WHAT IF MY GIRL EVER THINKS SHE'S NOT BEAUTIFUL? 
IS THERE EVEN A CHANCE THAT SHE WILL FIND HERSELF BEAUTIFUL?

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." 

Psalm 45:11 

My only hope in this is to continue to lead my girl to Father's arms where she will find her true image reflected in His eyes.  My only prayer that she will continue to value His view of her above all others.

The Wail

I feel so emotionally raw these days.  I never intended to go to the places I've gone, but following God's plan sometimes takes us through difficult territory.
Research that I do for work has given me information that I will never be able to erase from my mind's eye.

One of the projects I am currently working on is a presentation for Human Sexuality (as it relates to heatlhy choices by teenagers).  One of the aspects of the project is human development in the womb.  I've had 4 children - my pregnancies were all planned, and I eagerly listened for their heartbeat and read what I could find on pregnancy websites.  I thought I knew about pregnancy.

I feel like I've been dealt a double blow - a one-two punch. 

Current technology shows the absolutely phenomenal details of a developing human.  I am in AWE of my Creator once again.  I am AMAZED by the intricacies and complexities he put into creating His masterpieces. 

I DIDN"T KNOW that the DNA in only one of my 100 trillion cells, if you were to take just the first letter of each base, and put it in text - those letters would fill 1.5 million pages of text.  We have an extravagant Father.  A new creation at only minutes old - when it is still a single cell, carries that much information.

My amazement quickly turned to horror as I began to look for images to go with the presentation.  I was looking for a "fetus at 25 weeks gestation" image - and sprinkled among beautiful images of  babies being "formed in secret", were graphic pictures of aborted children - at all stages of pregnancy.

In NURTURE by Lisa Bevere, she describes 2 "wails" in her life - two moments that brought her to her knees with grief.

I feel like I'm walking around carrying a "wail" inside of me.  

Of course I knew about abortion - of course I knew how the procedures worked, and I've even seen images of aborted babies before.  But this time, for some reason it was different. 

One image was of a little African girl about 6 months gestation.  She was complete and beautiful, but so tiny and frail.  She laid as though tossed onto a sheet, covered in blood.  This is when I felt a wail building in me.  "Somebody wanted her!  Somebody's arms are still empty, and she would have been loved!"

I know she is just one of thousands upon thousands. 

Over and over I hear the lyrics to the JJ Heller song,

"Who will love me for me?

Not for what I have done

or what I'll become.

Who will love me for me?

Cause nobody has shown me what love -

What love really means.

 



I feel so small

My son Adrian sometime struggles with his identity.  I believe it's because God has amazing plans for his future, and this is something that he needs to get out of the way so that other stuff can happen. 

Adrian is very sensitive, and experiences emotions very intensely.  He teases his siblings and pushes Dean and I to our limits.  We have had such clashes, and I beg God for discernment.  "How do I get this kid to develop characteristics of obedience, empathy and putting others first, and at the same time help him know how incredibly special and wonderful he is?"

Today was a "WOW" moment for Adrian - and being a part of that is priceless to me.

Adrian came home from school waving a piece of looseleaf around.  On it he had pencilled some words that he wanted me to google (Funny.  I don't feel old, but I never ran into the house as a kid and asked my parents to "google" anything.").  These were the words:

star size comparison HD!

I plugged it in and sat and watched the 4 minute video with him.
As stars and planets were compared in high definition, he kept saying, "Don't you feel small?  I just feel so small!"
By the time the video showed the final star, the earth, in comparison, was only a pinprick.  The large star would take 1100 years to fly around one time.  And that massive star is only a pinprick itself in the vastness of our universe.
"And God made all that just for fun.  It's just out there, hanging around.  God just made it for fun."  I agreed with Adrian and commented on how creative and imaginative our God is.

"But don't you feel small now, Mom?" he asked again. "I just feel so small!"

I looked at my precious son and told him,  "And yet the Father saves each one of your tears and counts the number of hairs on your head."

He didn't say anything, but I saw his eyes.  I saw that he got a glimpse of the Father's passion for him.  That seed will go along way.