I have long lost track of how many times I spoke those words as we journeyed through Bronwyn's adoption, and as we literally journeyed to China and back. The part I love is how many times I have been excited/relieved/surprised when something worked out so unexpectedly:
~being matched with a social worker who had completed her own adoption of a little girl from China a few years previous to us
~being adopted ourselves for the remainder of our China-stay by a wonderful family picking up their 2 year old in the same province on the same day
~making friends with a commercial pilot who talked me out of some of my flight fears while we were in China
~the amazingly beautiful work done by the plastic surgeon in China on Bronwyn's cleft lip (and we weren't even aware that she was going for surgery)
~the precious way each of our birth children have made room for Bronwyn in their heart - evidence of Holy Spirit working in ways we couldn't know would be so important
Bringing home a baby with a cleft palate has brought us all sorts of new education. B could store rice up in her palate, sneeze it out an hour later, and use it as a secondary snack. She could make the cutest burbling noises as she pointed to the interesting things in her new world. And since her sippy cups/bottles had to have larger holes (she couldn't suck) she loved to pour them out onto her tray and splatter-paint like any gifted abstract artist.
We met our cranial-facial nurse and plastic surgeon shortly after arriving in Canada. How light-hearted and cheerful they are. How professional and capable... they set this mother's heart right at ease. God knew that I NEEDED to feel confident in these individuals.
We met the geneticist next, as we explored a possible history for Bronwyn's cleft lip/palate. Before he labeled her non-syndromic (that's a good thing), he commented that she was left by her birth parents because she was a girl, not because they may have wanted the best care for her special need. I got a little snippy (that happens with moms) and as soon as we got to the truck I vented to Dean: "He may be a brilliant scientist, and I'm glad for people who do what he does. BUT, he is NOT an attachment specialist, and he is NOT an expert on the culture of China or it's adoptee demographic. God knew that I NEEDED to get my thick mom-of-a-special-need-child skin in place.
(BTW, I think every child has some sort of special need. A time for every single child when his/her mother should get thick skinned and demand from friends, family, the school system, the medical system, the government or what have you, exactly what that child needs. It's called being an advocate for your child. It's tough. It's important.)
Next we got the call that Bronwyn's surgery had been bumped up - it was supposed to be today, October 17th. Instead she was called in on September 24. I took her in and she was oh so patient and cheerful through several hours delay with no eating or drinking.
5 minutes before her surgery began with plastic surgeon Dr. Ross, the ENT Dr. Jones came to see me in the waiting room. Bronwyn wasn't schedule to see her till November, but since she was in the OR that day, she suggested she look at Bronwyn's ears and put in any T-tubes while she was already under anesthesia. I quickly signed the paperwork. God knew I NEEDED to not re-do a surgery experience for Bronwyn again in November.
Right after surgery Dr. Ross came to fill me in. The left side of the palate was very minimal, and he didn't know if the repair would hold. He worked hard for over 2 hours for a midline suture, and so the left side may not heal completely. He cheerfully informed me that we could do the surgery again in just over a year when she had had some time to grow. I promptly texted my pray-ers.
Recovery was very rough. I'm so very grateful to the individuals who have been willing to share these personal details of their stories on blogs and websites so that I could prepare myself as much as possible. Knowing that attachment setbacks are common after surgery, that I needed to push her attachment needs with the doctors, and that with a repair like hers the road was predicted to be rough - those things did help.
Did I mention that recovery was very rough?
In the pre-admit clinic I had been told that babies wake up angry from surgery. I could handle that. I've heard angry before. I worked with angry before. I've calmed angry before.
Bronwyn was not angry when she woke up. Pain didn't seem a major factor either - of course she was uncomfortable, but morphine is a good thing. I cannot describe the sound of her cries - all 6 and a 1/2 hours of her cries. She wailed. She sounded grief-stricken. She sounded traumatized.
The rest of the details of those 24 hours after surgery are hers and mine. They were very rough.
But God. I love that phrase.
But God gifted us with such kind nurses. Each one that stayed with us (Bronwyn was in a monitored bed the whole time) was patient, affirming of all my efforts to calm my little one. Anything I mentioned from children's videos, to soothing music, to lights on/off... anything I mentioned a nurse was right there to try it. And finally Lisette came on duty later that night. I was leaning against the high bed, B's back to my chest as she sat and we rocked side to side. This beautiful young Asian nurse slid in beside me, wrapped her arms around Bronwyn and continued the same rocking motion so I could slip away and sit down around the corner. Slowly Bronwyn drifted off and I watched as nurse Lisette just continued to rock, and rock, and rock...
God knew I NEEDED to see Bronwyn loved before I could leave her side.
Friends with more foresight than I had, had offered to take all the other kids while I was away and even after Bronwyn and I came home. What a blessing. Finding home made soup in my garage when I got home from a quick trip to the pharmacy to fill B's prescription, the texts and phone calls that kept coming to ask how she was doing, the messages reminding us that people were praying for our little girl - these things were gifts from God too.
A full week of beautiful fall weather gave us opportunity for many walks. When Bronwyn woke up every day from her nap, she was inconsolable. The wailing would begin, and nothing seemed to help except actually leaving the house. I would snuggle her into the stroller and off we went: Mama's house, visiting Auntie's twins, wandering Main st. and fully exploring The Scrap Shoppe and Bible Book Store... The very next week it turned cold and windy and I wondered, "What would I have done last week if it hadn't been so nice out?" Sunny days at the end of September are a gift from God too.
All along the way my attention keeps being turned to the Father as I say "Oh thank you! What if that hadn't worked out so well - but You thought of everything!"
Each night as I rock B before putting her in her crib, I sing "God is so good", and then I pray for her. Each night I prayed, "healing, health and complete restoration inside and out of this little body, soul and spirit."
Last week we had the post-op appointment with Dr. Ross. Bronwyn screamed and clawed at my neck anytime anyone in a lab coat came near her. After the weigh and measure and initial reporting, Dr. Ross came in. Funny thing - he did a jig and she calmed down. He looked in her mouth and I held my breath...
"Looks perfect. Exactly what we want to see," he said over his shoulder to the student surgeon with him. "We won't need to see her again unless other problems surface that we are unaware of at this time." I don't know if that means the near future or ever. I do know that I kept smiling and smiling.
It's been almost a month since Bronwyn had her palatoplasty (cleft palate repair), and I really miss her little burble noises - I think that's a little weird, because I also feel like a kid on Christmas each time she tries out a new sound.
God has made so many rough places smooth and crooked places straight. Places I don't even know I need to pray into. He has gone before us. Wherever we end up, I find that He's already been there.
