I've been wanting to blog about our second adoption journey for so long. Not only has life been SO VERY BUSY since bringing home Little #6, but I've not really known how to share this story. Yes, it's a story of redemption and joy and family and love, but it also includes disappointment, frustration and inadequacy.
(First morning - headed to Civil Affairs for adoption proceedings.)
For all our friends and family back in Canada who supported us and helped us with this second adoption - thank you with all our hearts! For months my facebook feed has had stories popping up from all sorts of sources on the importance of ONE. It's been such an important reminder how Father sees ONE little child as important. In the groups I'm a part of there are unending comments and encouraging posts in regards to the massive amount of paperwork and money and time and waiting and soul-stretching that happens in order to bring love and family to children ONE at at a time. But if God saw fit to send his Son for each ONE of us, surely He doesn't see this cost as too extravagant. He's the King of extravagance and "more-than." In fact He instructs His followers to care for the widows and orphans - over and over He brings attention to these demographics and calls believers to spend themselves loving what He loves.
( Officially OURS!)
Emersyn's middle name is Faith. And during her adoption and first weeks/months home I have had to walk by faith (which is exhausting) more times than I can possibly count. Many times these attempts have been accompanied by disappointment - in myself and my capacity to respond right and be who this child needed me to be. I prayed in faith regularly, "Lord, give me Your heart for this child."
The same personal flaws which lead me to panic and sob when I'm in an airplane, lead me to feeling at sea with the Lord (with no Dramamine or land in sight). I want to understand how this all works. I want an explanation! I don't get what keeps an airplane in the air (lift, thrust, powerful engines blah, blah, blah - doesn't feel very controlled when I'm up there!). And I often don't get how God is moving in my circumstances.
But I keep getting on the airplanes, because somewhere beyond my head space, I know it's perfectly safe and it works. And I keep stepping back out in faith because somewhere beyond my head space, I know He is good and works all things for good for those who love Him.
(Touring the Bunt. No matter how crazy hot it was... every... single... day... Emersyn was up close and personal with Mommy.)
Emersyn came into our arms in a whirlwind of tears and grins and she used both to make demands. I was completely ready to co-sleep and be the stable presence and the calm in the storm. I wasn't ready for how hard I found it to have this tiny, cute little person orchestrate her own care with non-stop wailing till I did whatever she wanted whenever we were in public (which was ALL the time in China), followed by a sweet smile when she got what she was after - which was usually my full-faced attention. She is independent and outgoing and incredibly sweet. And in her brokeness these traits became her avenue to attention. She refused to let Dean touch her or come near her if I tried to set her down when my back or bladder was screaming. No panic or fear evident - just full on yelling and anger. But taxi drivers, guides, waitresses and cashiers were recipients of coos and smiles and endearing outstretched arms. Once home, every adult, from the FedEx man to the passport photo lady at Walgreens, was a prime target for cute smiles and pursuant behaviors. She truly is a dream child in so many ways. She LOVES to go to the doctor and dentist and pose for photos. She loves to say "hello" and "thank you" and "I love you!" and she beams when people answer back.
(Those early days this little monkey left me not even 1 minute of privacy 24 hours/day.)
(Leaving the orphanage for the last time.)
I understood her from the very beginning. These weren't signs of confidence and security. Attention from anyone was desirable. This was need and insecurity at its finest. And so are her feelings of being threatened when we, her primary attachments, show attention to others. Her main source of frustration was when she spotted Bronwyn. When we walked in the door to greet our other kids and show off our newest treasure, Emersyn spotted Dean and Bronwyn hugging. And she was off. She cozied up to Dean and slid in between him and Bronwyn like she'd never screamed and shied away from him. And for the next few weeks Bronwyn was hit, scratched and kicked, until her calmer personality finally had enough and began to fight back or just say "no!"
(Saying good bye to Shanghai and Mingming our guide... I don't know why I have that AMAZINGLY LARGE grin on my face. Guess I'm super happy to be half way done this trip and be heading off to Guangzhou to finish all the paperwork so we can head home to all the other kiddos:)
(Exhausted after an incredibly hot day at the Guanzhou Safari Park.)
We decided we had to get more serious about helping her understand what family is. What a mom and dad are. And we began to insist no one pick her up or hug her or even feed her except us. She's such a smart little cookie, that it took her no time at all to figure out what "that's not appropriate" means (as she tried to climb on a strange man's lap in a doctor's waiting room.) But even though I smiled a little (she's so darn cute!), I was sad when she asked in her little voice, "Why?"
(Those last few days were ARDUOUS! We were bored out of our minds and sick to death of the same grocery store and sitting in the hotel room, and the massive heat and smog - and OH how we missed our kids at home! But Emmie kept us somewhat entertained:)
We are almost 5 months home now, and she's changed a lot. But so have I. Most of my frustration has been with myself. Why couldn't I be more patient? Why did this bother me so much? Why didn't I feel more compassion? I know the answers are legitimate - the behaviors that frustrated me weren't healthy for her and few people understand that the way I do (I'm her mom after all:) But I still wished it were different for her. I still wish that all the precociousness and sweetness and charm could be taken at face value - that I could KNOW this was truly Emersyn, not a behavior meant to achieve something, not a behavior attempting to meet her own needs for attention and attachment because she hasn't received what she's always needed to put those cravings to rest.
(Going home! This child was a dream on the flight. I cried, and she slept... the whole way! What a blessing!)
She and Bronwyn play wonderfully together much of the time now - if any thing it's big sister conking little one on the head with a My Little Pony now a days. But they are genuinely sisters and I see a beautiful friendship and future for these girls... born in separate provinces on the other side of the world... now being raised in a Mennonite-Canadian-American home with three big brothers and an awesome sister.
And my faith? Well, I cried through all the flights - especially the last long one from Beijing to Los Angeles, as we departed in a storm and had attendants with strong Chinese accents tell us over and over that we were experiencing SEVERE TURBULANCE! As if I couldn't tell:( And I've felt very unChristian - impatient, short on love and compassion. I've had to insist on hopeful thoughts when hope was more of an idea than a reality. I've had to script for myself how to be a mother to Emersyn, because for the first little while the emotions didn't come naturally. But I have the Word. I have His promises. I have Him. And the answer to my prayers - prayers for God's heart for this new precious little girl - is coming daily, as I need it.
In the busy, in the normal, in the daily care, God is showing up for me. He's always present; there is no place we can go where He is not. I was reminded of that in this beautiful article .
We know God’s here. So how does He want to be here in this particular situation? Who does He want to be for me in this moment?
I sometimes look at Emersyn now and wonder, "How did we get so blessed? We did nothing to deserve you - with all your sweetness and silliness and beauty."
(Emersyn's first trip to Silver Dollar City -- She LOVED it!)
It's family. It's hard work. It demands determination and hard choices. It needs long love in the same direction. It's the most beautiful thing about our existence on earth. It's the closest thing I'll ever get to understanding how much God loves me. And you.
