So I have been reading this book

and it quotes Gary Smalley as suggesting that you ask kids stuff to better see what God has put inside them for His divine plans.

I'm all up for that.  As most moms (I think) sometimes I look at these little people God has gifted me with and wonder, "Who are you?" and how do I communicate my love and God's love uniquely to you?

One of the questions he recommended is "If you could be any character from the Bible, who would you be?"
So I asked my 2 boys as we drove along the other night.

As Kaden pondered this silently in the back (I've never thot of that, why is Mom asking me that, who would I want to be, why would I want to be that person, what if I think of more than one person, what if I only want to be a certain part of a person...) I waited - I always expect him to think for a while before answering.
But before I had even finished the question my Carson had an immediate answer: 'I'll be God."
As I've thot many times - Could 2 kids possibly be any different?

But I don't have a preference of what answer I liked better.  In fact each response made me giggle a bit because they were SO VERY typical of my youngest two boys.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.
This situation reminded me of a phrase from The Shack, where Heavenly Father looks at one of His children, a twinkle comes into His eye, and He says, "I'm so very fond of her."  and then He looks at another of His children and His expression softens and He says, "I'm particularly fond of him."

I'm a mother, not a father, but this aspect of the Father's heart I really do understand - that each individual child brings me such pleasure just by being so incredibly themselves.   In fact, I would not have had nearly the pleasure from hearing one of my sons try to tell me which character he thought I would want him to be - of that his friends thought was great. 

I'm also reading

and Liebscher tells of the pressure to preach well, to perform well.  Before a particular large youth service, God asked him "Banning, you have a choice.  You can either choose to be a preacher or a son.  If you choose to be a pracher, you will be good sometimes and other times you won't be that good.  But if you choose to be a son, you will always be good because you are a fantastic son."  So his motive for preaching changed.  He pursued being a son - pursued intimacy with Father, and preached out of that relationship.

A girlfriend recently told me she was learning how to "just be." 
Another girlfriend wrote about her home in a book that she's had published, "it is a place where no one has to 'try' to be a Christian.  They just are."

On the heels of Kevin Costner's remarks at Whitney Houston's funeral, these words seem profound.  While this beautiful, talented woman continually wondered, "am I good enough?", we are given this incredibly free request from Father:  Just Be.  Just be my daughter.  Just be my son.  All these other things - all the requirements of the law have already been fulfilled by Jesus Christ. 
Learning how to just be a son/daughter of God will bring us in to alignment with His purposes and plans.  As this intimacy increases, so will my discerning of His heart and His will. 

I love that my boys didn't try to give me a desired answer that evening.  They just were.  They just spoke out of who they are.  And it gave me such pleasure.

Getting ready

I was so wrong.
I thought that once we had been matched - once we knew for sure who our daughter was that this would get easier.
The waiting is hard! 
I've never been very good at waiting - my main mode for being patient is to keep busy with things to distract myself.
So... we have been very busy! 

We built a small extra room in the basement for Adrian to have his own little cozy place.  With stained pine boards and metal wall lights that have moose-shapes cut out, with a rustic duvet cover and and black wall decals that read "Courage means being afraid, and saddling up anyway," Adrian has his own little cabin getaway. 
I'm so proud of Dean for finding a way to cut his own whole in that thick basement wall and put in a new window by himself!  It looks awesome - and that wide window ledge makes a great place for AJ to clutter up with stuffies and knickknacks!

Moving Adrian into his own room, meant Carson could move downstairs to share a room with Kaden.  Those two creative, imaginative souls have quite the disaster constantly.  They seem to enjoy their little pig pen, and get so frustrated when I come down to make them clean up.

Then began the big job of redoing the upstairs bedroom for Bronwyn.  It used to be AJ's room, then Kaden & Carson's, then just Carson's.  Until now. 

--dents in the wall from ramping hotwheels cars off the top bunk

--ketchup stains in the carpet:  looong story...

--peeled off wallpaper trim (which once looked nice for about 3 days before the boys found a loose edge to pick at)

--a large hole in the wall behind the door from someone flying into the room and putting the doorknob thru the drywall

My boys aren't excessively rough - really, they aren't.  It's just that life happens, and my boys do have a lot of ideas about what makes up a fun day.

This is what was left of the room when Carson moved out:

So we began by ripping out the carpet and taking off all the trim.  Light blue went on the walls, and we turned the trim white.  My sister Theresa came over - and she usually brings the party, so things went along with a lot of laugh.

We pulled out the crib - but it took us a long time to set it up.  It seems that in the past 5 years we had forgotten a few of the steps.  Finally we got it figured out.

The big white cubby shelf from the music room came upstairs, and my friend Diane gave us a little white dresser to use. Madison and I had fun filling Baby B's closet and drawers and shelves with pretty little things and cute books and toys.







And then I insisted on a new light fixture.  I hate every one of the ceiling mounted globe lights that were in this house when we bought it.  Thank goodness way back when I'd painted the boys' ceiling years ago, with brown paint, I'd gotten a good splotch on that ugly light.  It just had to be tossed out.  And with a lot of mumbling and nattering, Dean got this one up just perfectly. 



So that's done...

And we still haven't heard when we fly to get our little one...

So I began to collect the thing we might need in China - according to numerous blogs and suggestions from people who have done this before. 

Here are the main things I learned from those who have gone before me:

1. Pack light but bring everything you can think of.

2. Don't bring too much money b/c it's expensive to change it back into Canadian - but bring lots of money because you never know what you'll need.

3. Some people try to travel for adoption purposes with only a carry-on.  But be sure to make enough room to bring back many presents and purchases for baby in the coming years. 

Wow...

But truly, many of the sites and individuals were very helpful, and so I got stashing things in this waiting room.

We are ready as we can be for this new little person!







Sweet B turns one!

January 25th, was baby Bronwyn's birthday.  She turned one.

She's not here, but we couldn't just let the day pass with recognizing its importance.

Carson especially wanted us to celebrate.  As we were on our way to pick out her cake, he said, "I just wish she didn't have to be without her family on her birthday."  He has since offered to share his May birthday with her because she will likely be home by the time his birthday rolls around. 

The day before her special day we went to pick out her cake.  Kaden and Carson finally settled on a bright Hello Kitty cake.  Adrian and Madison were agreeable to almost anything, so Hello Kitty it was.

Then Carson went with Mama to Walmart and he helped her pick out a couple of little gifts for Bronwyn.  He also picked out a card he thought she would really like, and wrote her a special message.

Of course we had a few little presents for Sweet B as well.

... and we thought about what to have for supper before we ate her cake.  We were a little short on time, since Wednesdays are clubs nights, so we chose to whip up a Mennonite meal of cottage cheese perogies, farmer sausage and white gravy with veggies.  Plain and simple, and so yummy.  Something we'll introduce little B to as soon as she gets home.

So we wrote a little card for the little one that has caught our hearts before we've even met her, and lit a candle to celebrate her first year.

Then we prayed a prayer of blessing over Sweet B, and we wait with anticipation until she's here in our home where she belongs so that all other birthday celebrations can include hugs and kisses and giggles and complete family pictures.

And as we offer her little gifts on this special day, we are more aware than ever that she is the real gift - from the giver of every good and perfect gift.

An unexpected gift!

We were blessed with an early Christmas present this year. 
I can't remember the last time I was so shocked by news that I felt I couldn't stand up.
We were visiting with people at the Pastor's Open House shortly before Christmas in the church foyer, when Dean stepped aside to take a cell phone call.

That call is going to change our lives. 

We'd recently been told that our adoption process was proceeding slower than expected.  We'd be waiting a long time yet.
So disappointed.
We had shared the difficult news with close friends and family, and looked at 2012 with plans for work, conferences and family vacations. 

Dean tucked his phone in his pocket and asked me to come away with him for a bit, but we hadn't made it very many steps down the hall before he whispered "We have a referral!"
I froze for a second and then felt my knees go weak.
I kept grabbing Dean's arm.
"What? What?  For real?" 

"They said to check your email - but their computers are down, so give them another hour." 
Dean ran to pick up our other 4 kids from school, while I waited...
Talking to people...
Wishing friends and church family a Merry Christmas...
All the while thinking, "I have a new daughter!"

I slipped away several times to check my inbox.
Suddenly it was there - the picture of a beautiful Chinese baby girl - almost 11 months old with cleft lip / palate. 
And this little chin that looks just like that of my other babies. 
Soft cheeks and a little bit of drool on a shiny lower lip. 
I want to kiss that little mouth and hold my cheek against hers.
Did we want her?  Did we accept this referral?

Yes!

Pastor came by my door.
Hands shaking I held out the baby pictures I'd just printed.  "Can I show you something?"
He stepped in to look, "That's our new daughter!  And Dean hasn't even seen her yet."

Dean finally came in and we looked at the pictures over and over. 
"I got to tell you!" he said. 
Dean felt that since I got to inform him the last 4 times we were going to have a baby, this time he wanted to tell me. 
But I had made sure that my cell and email and home number were on the forms.  Of course Dean's cell was on there too - in small figures under his personal info.  But for some reason - probably because Father loves these little details of our lives - the agency chose to call Dean's cell. 

A whirlwind followed: I was so desperate to fill out each form correctly and get it back to the agency in time.  I was so scared I would do something wrong or forget something. 
I calmly called Dr. Cindy (first her house, then her husband's work, then her cell, then I texted her, then I called her house again, and finally she called me back).  We went through baby's health forms and everything was wonderful.


Pictures!  I'd often imagined telling our families by giving them her picture card for Christmas.  Suddenly that was possible!
Tara!
Between Christmas gatherings and services Tara designed a pretty little card for our little one. 
Patient friend.
The newly painted bedroom in our house has been called "Bronwyn's room" for several months already. 
Her given Chinese name, Xiaoqian (pronounced Sheow chen) means Sincere Laughter or Pretty Little one ( as best as we can figure out). 
I've been learning so much about God's Grace through this process.

We will fly to pick up our little Bronwyn Xiaoqian Grace this spring sometime. 
Hurry here, season of new life and new beginnings! 

Meanwhile... since I just so happen to be in California right now - I'm shopping! 

Just look at these little boots I got at the Skechers outlet!

 And these shoes... I couldn't resist!

We can't wait to hold our unexpected gift.

A Christmas activity with a Christmas message

I love doing Christmas crafts and I've finally figured out why after much thought (or at least a couple minutes of thinking).  At Christmas time we have a reason to give all the stuff away.  Crafting is wonderful fun, and it's such a great thing to do with the kids, but then we end up with all this stuff and it breaks each little heart not to keep all the stuff and I'm SO not a stuff-keeper. 

So this is my season!  We make lots of cute things and GIVE THEM AWAY so all the stuff is somebody else's to enjoy (and somebody else's to figure out where to put it).

This year a friend of mine sent me a picture of this awesome craft - only it was made out of large chunks of wood which I didn't have access too.  Her husband owns Prairie Barnwood http://prairiebarnwood.blogspot.com/  and perhaps we'll see this nativity scene made out of 4x4 inch chunks of rustic barnwood someday. 

But for Madison and I we did a mini version.

A wonderful friend's husband cut out all these "body" pieces, and we ordered all the little balls from Canadian Lumber.  We had around 75 full 3-piece sets in total, and first did the craft with the Gems & Knights club at church.  We had around 15 sets left, and Madison and I worked on the rest one morning...

I absolutely LOVE using a glue gun, and usually don't have much reason to pull one out.  This was my time to shine.  I love the complete lack of mess, and I love the instant results.  Quick and clean.   

After we had painted all the Mary's and Joseph's, I glued the bodies together while Madison carefully attached the heads.

I'm so glad my girl is who she is. She's basically up for anything I ask her to do with me... from trying our first fresh lobster on PEI ("we" screamed and had the lady come back and take it away until she'd taken off the legs... well, I screamed and Madison giggled, and then I gagged and Madison giggled.  See, we LOVED the meat, but the legs just look so... but I digress...) to road trips, musicals, crafting and movies, she always shrugs her shoulders and says, "Sure," to most anything I suggest.

Then we had this wire from Dollarama that we cut into 18" lengths and wrapped it around Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus, with the back part swinging up over their heads.

We sanded Mary and Joseph so the painting didn't look quite so juvenile...  I call it rustic now...

And then we attached a cardstock star covered in glitter. 

Add a little raffia and...  

Voila!

And here's the best part - we have this beautiful reminder of the real meaning of Christmas.  So many kids' crafts are all about the tree or the snow or Santa or presents, and that's great too.  But I love it when I get a chance to go counter-cultural! 

Nativity scenes are my favorite Christmas decoration, and I now have 3.  A little 3-piece Bengali wooden set from Ten Thousand Villages, a ceramic scene from a local crafter, and  now this cute wooden craft. 

The nativity scene has been badly abused... light-up plastic figurines on the front yard?  plastic sets where the camel legs are bent and they keep falling over?  Please.  This little craft sends a much truer message.  Simple, beautiful, anyone can take part in this.  That's the message of Christmas.

I love fall best of all

I love fall best of all.  I love the colors, the smells and the weather.  I love the breezes and the sense of reaping or harvesting.  I love the start of new things like school and music lessons and drama and church clubs.  But fall seems the shortest season of all where we live. 

 I will always remember the gorgeous colors of the trees along the Saskatchewan river as I rattled over the Hawrelak Bridge on my way to university on the public transit for 4 years (fighting motion sickness and reciting Bible verses to calm myself at the speed our driver went around those corners). 

Somehow amidst the germs and the diesel smell of the bus, I would escape reality to focus on beauty for a little while.  The rich colors only lasted about 2 weeks, and that's part of what made it so special.

My kids' favorite part is carving pumpkins.  I hate that part of fall.  

 I sometimes catch myself thinking, "maybe the kids will forget to ask to carve pumpkins this year."
They never forget.

They beg every year to wield the razor-sharp Henckel knives and I hate the possible blood and trauma.  I insist on doing all the cutting myself.  Each one gets to draw / design their own little pumpkin character, and clean out his innards, but the knives stay in adult hands. 

I hate the goo and the slime and the way the raw pumpkins smell. 

But I love watching their faces as they create and design and scrape and shape this yearly work of art.

Once we get the seeds out we rinse and season them and bake a bunch for snacking and cracking.  That part I like.

My favorite piece of this whole yearly tradition is how much my kids love it.  What is it about turning a large orange vegetable into a face of sorts that makes the kids so excited?  I'm not sure, but the creators of VeggieTales sure knew what they were doing.  

  

And after each little pumpkin head is finished, and we are crunching away on pumpkin seeds and every little face is grinning at their pumpkin friend, I'm always glad I pretended to be excited right along with my little people.  I'm glad I stifled my gag reflex and stuck my hand down inside the stringy, semi-sticky guts of yet another pumpkin, and pulled out the slippery seeds and risked my digits to cut a pair of buck teeth into another pumpkin face. 

And now, even though we've had a beautiful and long-lasting fall, pumpkin season is over, and Christmas is around the corner...

Next... the store-bought gingerbread house with icing that tastes like glue...

My son hears God's voice...

Something I want more than anything is for my kids to recognize the voice of God.  I can't remember when I started praying this over them - or what prompted it, but "Teach him to know your voice," has been an almost nightly whisper over each little head on the pillow.

Probably because I struggle so much with this myself.  I don't want this frustration for my kids.  He tells us that His sheep know His voice - and I can recognize it when it's a matter of conscience, or something that I need to line up with the Word and then make my decision.
But how about whether to step out of my comfort zone?  How about whether to work or stay home with my kids?  How about when wanting to hear a response to "Search me and know me".  And right now my big battle is, "What do I let by the guards to my kids' hearts, and what do I stand firm and block even when every other parent thinks I'm weird?"

Adrian's friends at school - even the "church" ones are quite into the Harry Potter books right now. He came home and asked if he could read the books.  He'd already started the first one at school and found it quite interesting.
My response is always the same - let's look it up online and decide if this is something you want to feed your spirit. 
He discovered that Harry Potter is a boy who attends Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.  Harry ends up with many powers - and practices a "good" or white magic, as opposed to "dark" or bad magic. 
I showed Adrian that God's Word tells us
“There shall not be found among you anyone who …practices witchcraft, or a soothsayer, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, or one who conjures spells, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead.”Deut. 18:10-12
Then I asked Adrian if he still wanted to take this into his heart.  He shocked me by saying, "Yeah - because it sounds really interesting." 

We dug further and found the adults are depicted as hateful and perhaps strict. Then noted how these wizards and other creatures are the good guys. This undermined the structure of family and authority in general.  The author is quoted as saying "The idea that we could have a child who escapes from the confines of the adult world and goes somewhere where he has power, both literally and metaphorically, really appealed to me."

Adrian and I discussed the danger of viewing us parents and other authority as hateful and wrong and without his best interests in mind.  He still thought he'd like to read the books. 
The distinction between good and bad can become blurred as both the "good" and "evil" characters participate in different types witchcraft and magic
John Buckeridge, editor of the British Christian magazine Youthwork,  foresees serious danger ahead. "The growing number of books and TV shows like Harry Potter and Sabrina the Teenage Witch encourage an interest in magic as harmless fun... However, for some young people it could fuel a fascination that leads to dangerous dabbling with occult powers. So what starts out as spooks and spells can lead to psychological and spiritual damage."

So I asked Adrian if he thought maybe this could lead him to places in his heart that he didn't want to go.  I asked if he trusted me and that I preferred him to make better choices of content to fill his mind and heart with.  Adrian told me he trusted me, but that he really wanted to read the book since his friends said they were so good.

Adrian has not always enjoyed reading.  This has been an uphill battle for us, and we are at a place now where he is looking for good books. 
But an analogy I read recently made me stop and think.  It goes like this:  My child needs medicine.  He doesn't want to take the medicine.  I put it into a sweet drink to make it more palatable, and I give it to him even though there are trace amounts of arsenic in it.  At least we are getting the medicine in, right?
Is that what we do to get our kids reading - say anything goes into the spirit, because at least we are getting them reading?

 I foolishly assumed that so long as I gave my kids all the information and they understood what it was they were getting into, that they would make a healthy decision regarding their spirits.  And I can guard that heart and spirit as a parent - but only for so long.  Adrian is 12 - he needs to be practicing making these decision for himself.  And how will I stop him from reading these books at school or at a friend's?  I can put my foot down to make myself feel better - but my son still needs a heart of submission for this to work.
I was going out with my sister for coffee, so I put my son to bed and asked him to spend 20 minutes talking to God.  "Just ask Him to speak to you," I suggested as I often do.
 
Then I went out with my sister and vented, "What should I do?  Should I home school?  How can I get him to make choices based on what is good content - not on what sounds fun or that friends are doing?  Am I stifling him?  Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?  What if this is just the beginning and he makes other choices that I would prefer he not make?  I'm losing control!  My kids are growing up!  I want Jesus to come back tonight!!"

The next morning at breakfast I looked at my sleepy - eyed son and asked, "So, did you ask God about Harry Potter last night?"
"Yeah."  (It really bugs me with boys that you have to ask for every detail - they won't just offer me information as I try to understand their ever changing brains.)
"So - what did God say?"  Oh God, please have said something!   Please let my boy know your voice!
A sheepish grin and a sound of resignation as Adrian tells me, "God told me 'Not right now and I'll explain later'."
And that was it. 
All my internet research and reasoning and explanations had failed to move my son's decision. 
But 7 words whispered by Father into his heart and he found the answer.

This learning to trust Father with my kids takes on new shades and textures all the time.  I'm so aware right now, that I am not in control.  I don't like not being in control.  Another reminder - God does a better job of guiding my children than I do...