Waiting expectantly...

Sometimes God asks us to step out in ways that make our hearts pound...  Sometimes He asks us to be obedient and trust Him blindly...

For years Dean and I have agreed back and forth that if God ever asked us to open up our home to someone, we would definitely do it.  But we both thought that if that's what God wanted, He would bring it about.  It would just happen naturally, and we would not resist the flow of the Spirit.  A little apathetic, I know - but I comforted myself with the idea that I was willing to be obedient, should God ever make an obvious request of me.

When I was on maternity leave with Carson 6 years ago, I would lay on the sofa for a rest each afternoon, and each day at 2:30 a commercial would come on t.v. asking families to take in children from Nova Scotia who needed homes.  That heavy, aching, knowing feeling would fill me - but I was very pregnant, and not in a position to do anything...

But the conviction never left...  It went underground for a while (but I think it was just buried by the busy-ness of life after a fourth child - 2 already in school, one a toddler, and me trying to go back to work...). 

A couple years ago a girlfriend and I were talking - and she's such a risk-taker compared to me.  She mentioned wanting to adopt a child some day.   I just continued to listen to her dream, and asked as many questions as I could.  She showed me several websites from the States (we are both married to Americans) and the photolistings available through the U.S. agencies were extensive.  A new ache, a new knowing, a new "wail" began to build in me.

Every day that I'd turn on my itunes or a worship cd or my youtube music list, Hillsong's "SOLUTION" seemed to be playing, and the opening lines convicted me more deeply each time:

"It is not a human right to stare not fight, while broken nations grieve.

Open up our eyes so blind that we might find, the mercy for the need."

GOD, UNLIKE US DOES NOT VIEW THE 143 MILLION ORPHANS IN THE WORLD THE SAME WAY WE DO. HE DOES NOT SEE THEM AS ORPHANS, BUT INSTEAD HE SEES THEM AS HIS KIDS, AND HE IS HOPING THAT SOME OF HIS OTHER KIDS WOULD STEP UP AND JUST SIMPLY TAKE CARE OF HIS FAMILY ... THEIR FAMILY.

I approached Dean with the idea - but he's always been the one of us to say he wished we'd had at least one more baby (I was a barn with my last baby, and not willing to go that route again) - so I was surprised at how long he took to mull this over before he decided. 

I should have known - that's the way Dean works.  He will look at every angle - every option - every detail, because he wants to make the best decision possible.  That's fine when he's picking out a new lawnmower - but it was rather hard for me when I'd already given my heart away to 17 different children on Rainbowkids.com!

Dean threw his hat into the ring whole-heartedly, and I've loved watching this spiritual warrior take on a new mission of protection and prayerful guarding of a new little charge.

We will be bringing home our little (under 3 years of age) daughter from China - hopefully by the end of the year (any one who's done this knows that timelines are VERY flexible!).  We are more than excited, and knowing she's already born makes us feel the reality of Father caring for her while we can't.

Have we thought of things that could go wrong?  Of course.  Have people brought up every story they can remember of adoptions gone bad?  Pretty much.  What's our solid ground - our firm foundation?  There are over 300 verses in God's Word that tell us to care for the widow, the orphans and the poor.  Waiting for God to drop a basket on our doorstep was lidocaine for my conscience - a numbing of the calling God has been forming in my heart for years. 

A Godly and amazing woman sent this poem to me when she heard about our choice.  It's not the first time her mouth has been used by God to deliver a new perspective or moment of truth to me. 

I almost let fear over take my heart and not step forward for these kids.

I almost let the voice of others become my voice of reason.

I almost let my selfish ambition and dreams destroy this life.

I almost listened when some people called us crazy (to our faces) and wanted to become sane again.

I almost let the world's ideal become my reality.

I almost cowed from the courage inside placed by a King mightier than ever.

I almost chased a life not set out for me, to be ''liked'' again.

I almost believed it when I was told I was being selfish.

I almost MISSED OUT on this. I ALMOST MISSED OUT ON THIS!

Faith is the substance of things hoped for; the evidence of things not seen.
For now we are waiting expectantly...



San Diego in March

We had a fantastic time in San Diego.  Of all the times we've travelled down to Cali, this was the first time without kids in 13 years.  Instead of the typical tourist-type things to do down south, we headed to a conference, and slipped in a few fun things as well.  Two of our "newer" hot spots were a whale-watching cruise 12 miles out to sea from the San Diego harbor, as well as an afternoon in Old Town San Diego with all its Spanish/Mexican flavor.

We stopped for fresh fish at the Bay Cafe right on the water, and then climbed aboard the Lord Hornblower:

Dean was dreading the time away on the water - and I told him I was sure that when I booked it I had seen it was an hour and a half long.  As the horn blew and the boat slowly moved out to sea, the captain informed us that we had purchased tickets for the 3.5 hour tour - not the 1 hour harbor cruise.  Dean groaned, but I was kind of excited - there's certainly nothing similar to this in southern Manitoba!

 This was the first day since the tsnumani following the earth quake in Japan, that boats were able to get back out on the water.  Millions of dollars worth of damage had occurred along the western coast of the U.S. San Diego harbor is protected by a very large out cropping of land that moves out from the mainland and swings down southward.  It's called Point Loma.  Within the protective arm of Point Loma, the waters were quite calm.  The water traffic was crazy busy - all the privately owned crafts were getting back out to sea, and the military base was anxious to get their ships back out to the open waters as well.

These mine-sweepers are built w/o any metal - carbon and fiber-glass only.  There was also a small boat with rubber rims around it and a little tent-type thing in the back.  As it went by we saw a dolphin in the little tent.  The captain told us that these boats carried dolphins and their trainers out to sea - and they were taught how to detect mines. 

The bottom and middle level of our boat had bars and tables - serving pizza, hotdogs, hot pretzels and other snacks.

We also got to see a military submarine heading out to sea - lowering into the water, and then doing maneuvers off in the distance with the periscope peeking up and down. As we headed back into the other side of the harbor there was a submarine machine-shop of sorts (Point Loma in behind it).

There had been beluga whales spotted on the day before the Japan earthquake.  This was noted as very strange - never seen before along this coast.  Then, the grey whales - which are seen on a daily basis at this time of year, were no where to be found when we went out.  We were offered free tickets to come back - but Dean just put his head in his hands and groaned. 
I tried to get him excited about the hundreds of dolphins that jumped through the waters as we sailed by - he was more interested in remaining as still as possible... See, the original boat that is used for these longer tours out to sea was in for repairs (we didn't know this before we left shore), and that larger boat even has stabilizers - we had NO SUCH SUPPORTS! 

The captain was quick to point out the crazy weird currents racing through the waters - an after effect of the tsunami / earthquake fiasco.  We were tossed back and forth a fair bit!

I tried to get Dean interested in all the California sea lions with their new babies on the fresh-bait docks... to no avail!

I thought for sure the huge re-fueling ship being tugged out to sea would interest him, or the massive freight-carrier with 5000 Japanese cars bound for the San Diego dealerships... nothing could distract Dean from his whirling head and tilting stomach...

Finally I got a little frustrated and said, "I've done a lot of things for you, Dean!  I'm sorry you don't feel good, but I really wanted to see all this, and I've done things you asked me to when I didn't want to.  Just think of all those roller-coasters I've gone on and I was so freaked out - but I did it - for you!"

He groaned / growled with with his head still in his hands, "I'm not afraid!  I wish I was afraid - I'd rather be freaked out..."  And I couldn't stop giggling at him for 3 days whenever I thought about it:)
In the end he tried really hard to be a good sport, and got a couple pix of us together...

MUCH more to Dean's liking was Old Town San Diego - it was wonderful!  All the little shops and adobe buildings and tile roofs, and unique plantlife... 

Fountains in courtyards, and outdoor patios with open fires to warm all the diners in the evenings. 

Hanging lanterns and jewelry shops with semi-precious stones found in the area are interspersed with museums and historical buildings. 


The highlight of the trip (besides getting in a bit of time with Dean's family again) was dinner one night at an authentic Mexican restaurant in Old Town.  We waited almost an hour to get in, but it was worth it - and we got to watch ladies hand-making corn and flour tortillas on a large flat grill.  Boy were they delicious when it was our turn to eat!  That, the fresh salsa, and the two Spanish guys who seranaded us with "Amore" on guitars, made for a fantastic night!

How will I keep a pony in our backyard?

Kaden got invited to his first school birthday party last week (except for one ill-fated event in kindergarten 2 years ago).  Knowing this child with his caution about new places and new things and new people, I was thrilled that he wanted to go.

"We're going glo-bowling,"  he told me with that ear-to-ear grin that is "so Kaden".  I was so happy for him.  That one little invitation made him feel so wanted, so special.

I laid the invitation by the computer desk, with all the on-the-go papers like permission forms and fund-raising notices. 

We discussed just giving the little girl money because he didn't know what she'd like for a gift.  Kaden is very careful how he spends his money, and loves to find cash in a birthday card.  He felt this was perfect for his little friend.

He waited patiently all weekend, and if we drove down main street past the bowling alley, he'd mention that soon he'd get to go bowling with his school friends.  Monday was no school, and that should have made things go quicker... indeed it did. 

We'll say that's my excuse.  We'll blame it on Louis Riel day.  I got mixed up.  The party was to be Wednesday.  I automatically thought, "three days into the school week".  And so... today I woke up and heard Kaden telling his brother that it was getting close to the party day.  I ran downstairs and rifled through papers to find that invitation - hoping someone had taken it and I could blame someone else that I hadn't been able to see the date.

The invitation was right where I'd left it, and it clearly said the party was on Wednesday after school.  Today is Thursday. 

Kids are so forgiving. 

I only hope to some day be as gracious and quick to forgive as my son was with me. 

"Honey, we missed the bowling party," I said with my arms around him.
"Why?"
"I just forgot.  I'm sorry."
I wish he'd thrown a fit and cried and acted horrible - then I could have focused on my mom role and talked to him about handling life's disappointment, and that nobody's perfect.

Instead, he just got quiet and hung his head a bit.  "Okay," he said so sadly and quietly.

I had huge, horrible visions of me being handed a large black trophy with a monster figurine on the top.  The ugly plaque on the base said, "World's Worst Mom Award".    Yup... nobody told me about this part of being a mom.  I probably wouldn't have believed them anyway.  I would have thought there was no way I could miss something so important for someone so important.

But I did.
And now I have to somehow come up with the cash to pay for the massive glo-bowling party that I quickly promised my son - with as many friends as he wants to invite.  I must come up with a fantastic cake, great party gifts that he will be excited to hand out, and a wonderful present for him so that my guilty conscience will finally leave me alone! 

If that doesn't do it, well, there's always daily treks to Warky's and Iceburg for icecream and slurpies.  Maybe I'll see if he likes Disney on Ice, or  a new pony...  

just like Heather

Heather is a woman w/ a teenage son, a loving husband, and more volunteer commitments than she knows what to do with.  Heather is just a character in a novel, but I feel just like Heather sometimes...

"When was the last time I did anything for somebody who couldn't possibly do anything in return?
Do we ignore the downtrodden portion of humanity because we're too busy with everything else, too tired, to preoccupied with our own families and our churches?

But maybe there's more.

Maybe we're frightened that we'l bend beneath the pain we'll feel for others, that maybe we'll buckle under the atrocities some of God's creatures are forced to endure.
And will the God we've worshiped blindly from our cushioned lives hold up under the stress of a world that's bloody and brusied, blind and broken with absolutely no hope this side of heaven?"

Heather wrestles these huge ideas:

"People's souls may go on forever, but I think God wants us to help their bodies and spirits here right now too.

God wants us to care for the poor and the lonely and the sick, not just for their sake, but for ours.

Because in this, we become like Him, growing a bigger heart than we ever thought possible."

And then this lofty desire - is it a pious dream, or a Jesus-like possibility?

"I want to be safe - that place where people can fail and still be loved.  Heaven knows there are enough exhorters and admonishers, enough people with a lockdown on life, enough people who can tell all of us what to do and why and sometimes even how.  They don't need me.

But I want to be the person around whom people don't have to do a thing to be loved."

I feel like a pioneer at the very beginning of that long trek from east to west, with massive unknown obstacles along the way.  I feel just like Heather feels, but the actualization of those feelings will be my lifelong odyssey.

Check out Lisa Samson's novel Quaker Summer for the rest of Heather's story.



The King is Enthralled by your Beauty

Having a daughter on the verge of teendom (Madison turns 13 in March) has me stepping into the unknown.  In our culture today, how do I keep my daughter's self-image accurate?  What is my mother-role now?  Wow - I've been through almost a dozen books on teenage girls in the past couple of months - everything from a father's influence, to teenage modesty, to self-image to giftings...

Right now my girl seems so free and unaware of all the media hype about body image. We've always seriously limited t.v (therefore ad) exposure, and banned most magazines from our home.  She is mildly aware of all the teenage celebrities out there, but her interests in friendship, music, and church have taken precedence in her head space. 

In a few weeks she will be a teenager.  Madison is beautiful - she is thoughtful, caring and generous.  My daughter is mature beyond her years regarding empathy and responsibility.  She wants God's will for her future.  She loves children, and isn't embarassed by spending time with girls younger than herself, as she plays the big sister role to many more than just her brothers.  My girl is artistic and creative.  She takes joy in everything she tries from drama, to music to sports to youth group. 

Madison isn't a piano prodigy, but she will use her moderate skills to engage others in worship.  She isn't into reading profound academic classics of depth, but she is an intense little bookworm who gets carried away to new adventures on a daily basis. 

Her brothers adore her (most of the time), and she's kind and helpful and patient with them (most of the time).  When Kaden or Carson are frightened, they love to curl up on her lap or snuggle in her bed with her.  When she's at a friend's house, Adrian wanders around, lost without his sidekick. 

She's my favorite cooking companion, and her sense of humor is emerging to look just like mine (Dean's a little concerned).  And she's her Dad's princess, and favorite girl to take out to breakfast (I'm not willing to get up early just to get food).

But all of this treasure is considered weightless in a world that values the outward appearance above the inner being. 
Killing Us Softly is only one of dozens of sites that attempt to expose media attitudes towards and about women.  It's awful.

I am frustrated by the need to reshape, and resize our girls and women until they might approach the word "beautiful". 

WHAT IF MY GIRL EVER THINKS SHE'S NOT BEAUTIFUL? 
IS THERE EVEN A CHANCE THAT SHE WILL FIND HERSELF BEAUTIFUL?

"The King is enthralled by your beauty." 

Psalm 45:11 

My only hope in this is to continue to lead my girl to Father's arms where she will find her true image reflected in His eyes.  My only prayer that she will continue to value His view of her above all others.

The Wail

I feel so emotionally raw these days.  I never intended to go to the places I've gone, but following God's plan sometimes takes us through difficult territory.
Research that I do for work has given me information that I will never be able to erase from my mind's eye.

One of the projects I am currently working on is a presentation for Human Sexuality (as it relates to heatlhy choices by teenagers).  One of the aspects of the project is human development in the womb.  I've had 4 children - my pregnancies were all planned, and I eagerly listened for their heartbeat and read what I could find on pregnancy websites.  I thought I knew about pregnancy.

I feel like I've been dealt a double blow - a one-two punch. 

Current technology shows the absolutely phenomenal details of a developing human.  I am in AWE of my Creator once again.  I am AMAZED by the intricacies and complexities he put into creating His masterpieces. 

I DIDN"T KNOW that the DNA in only one of my 100 trillion cells, if you were to take just the first letter of each base, and put it in text - those letters would fill 1.5 million pages of text.  We have an extravagant Father.  A new creation at only minutes old - when it is still a single cell, carries that much information.

My amazement quickly turned to horror as I began to look for images to go with the presentation.  I was looking for a "fetus at 25 weeks gestation" image - and sprinkled among beautiful images of  babies being "formed in secret", were graphic pictures of aborted children - at all stages of pregnancy.

In NURTURE by Lisa Bevere, she describes 2 "wails" in her life - two moments that brought her to her knees with grief.

I feel like I'm walking around carrying a "wail" inside of me.  

Of course I knew about abortion - of course I knew how the procedures worked, and I've even seen images of aborted babies before.  But this time, for some reason it was different. 

One image was of a little African girl about 6 months gestation.  She was complete and beautiful, but so tiny and frail.  She laid as though tossed onto a sheet, covered in blood.  This is when I felt a wail building in me.  "Somebody wanted her!  Somebody's arms are still empty, and she would have been loved!"

I know she is just one of thousands upon thousands. 

Over and over I hear the lyrics to the JJ Heller song,

"Who will love me for me?

Not for what I have done

or what I'll become.

Who will love me for me?

Cause nobody has shown me what love -

What love really means.

 



I feel so small

My son Adrian sometime struggles with his identity.  I believe it's because God has amazing plans for his future, and this is something that he needs to get out of the way so that other stuff can happen. 

Adrian is very sensitive, and experiences emotions very intensely.  He teases his siblings and pushes Dean and I to our limits.  We have had such clashes, and I beg God for discernment.  "How do I get this kid to develop characteristics of obedience, empathy and putting others first, and at the same time help him know how incredibly special and wonderful he is?"

Today was a "WOW" moment for Adrian - and being a part of that is priceless to me.

Adrian came home from school waving a piece of looseleaf around.  On it he had pencilled some words that he wanted me to google (Funny.  I don't feel old, but I never ran into the house as a kid and asked my parents to "google" anything.").  These were the words:

star size comparison HD!

I plugged it in and sat and watched the 4 minute video with him.
As stars and planets were compared in high definition, he kept saying, "Don't you feel small?  I just feel so small!"
By the time the video showed the final star, the earth, in comparison, was only a pinprick.  The large star would take 1100 years to fly around one time.  And that massive star is only a pinprick itself in the vastness of our universe.
"And God made all that just for fun.  It's just out there, hanging around.  God just made it for fun."  I agreed with Adrian and commented on how creative and imaginative our God is.

"But don't you feel small now, Mom?" he asked again. "I just feel so small!"

I looked at my precious son and told him,  "And yet the Father saves each one of your tears and counts the number of hairs on your head."

He didn't say anything, but I saw his eyes.  I saw that he got a glimpse of the Father's passion for him.  That seed will go along way.