China May 2-4th, 2012

We’re here!

China has been a good experience so far.  There were many English signs, so we found our way through the Beijing airport quite easily.  Our guide picked us up and took us to The Presidential Hotel.    Our first afternoon and evening (Wednesday) Yulin took us on the subway, then on a city bus, and then walking for a bit until we got to a mall.  She and I had our nails done, and while she settled in for a traditional Chinese massage (which looked very painful to me!) Dean and I wandered throughout the shopping centre.  I found this very cute little dress for Bronwyn.

We took a taxi back to the hotel that evening – and I can rarely if ever remember being that afraid in my life.  I have NO idea how the driver fit that car into the spaces he did, nor how he didn’t kill several pedestrians in our way.  Many times it seemed impossible that we would make it – but we did of course.  Before we left Canada, a girlfriend gave me a card reminding me to be “intentional” and “in-the-moment” each day.  As our taxi driver zoomed in and out of traffic I found myself whispering “Oh Jesus!” and “I don’t want to be in this moment!  I want this moment to be over!”

We have been able to skype with the kids back home and seeing them each morning and evening has been really helpful to my peace of mind.  THANK YOU Diane who is staying with our kids right now! 

Thursday we exchanged our US money into Renminbi (and felt extremely conspicuous as the bank put all the stacks of bills into a paper shopping bag with handles, that had their Bank of China logo all over it, for us to carry as we walked all the way back to our hotel).  Later in the day we met up with my good friend Cindy and her mother, as well as another couple from B.C.  Turns out – this couple knows Dean’s cousins well, where they live in B.C.  Small world.

We went to a traditional Chinese restaurant together and we so enjoyed this experience.  We had a private room with a round table.  The food was on a lazy susan in the middle, and we just spun it until the dish we wanted was in front of us to take from.  Outside our door the waiter and waitresses hollered and called out for who knows what, and in our cozy room we shared our adoption stories and listen to Yulin tell us more about herself and FOI. 

Friday was a wonderful Beijing experience.  We started out at 9:30 in the morning with our guide, Faye, along with Cindy and Elaine.  We took the subway to Old Beijing and took the Hutong Tour – including rickshaw rides, climbing the Drum Tower and watching an awesome drumming performance, walking along the river bridges, exploring the courtyard living spaces and eating at an Chinese Yoshinoya restaurant.

 

We rested a bit in the later afternoon, and then enjoyed dinner at Judehuatian – where we cooked our own dinner over a propane element in the middle of our table.  It turned out delicious!

We will spend Saturday and Sunday here in Beijing yet, and early early Monday morning we fly to Xi’an and get Bronwyn. 

More to follow soon!

We ask God for supply, and he gives us the Source

We leave tomorrow.
We fly out early, early Tuesday morning.  First to Vancouver, and then to Beijing.
And we've waited eagerly for this trip...

Today my my mind has been filled with "lasts."  The last time we get ready for church without Bronwyn.  The last time I practice violin with Kaden before we get back with his new sister.  The last time I tuck my boys in and pray with them, before we bring baby B home. 

I've read a lot of blogs and short stories from adoptive families.  I can understand all the anticipation of the adoption, and the joy of the new bonding and even the struggle to see how this new family looks and how everyone adjusts to each other. 
But I've never heard any one mention how hard it is to leave the other little ones behind. 

Carson made me a "spa" today - he likes to set out my bubbling foot soak tub, paint my finger nails (blue and pink glitter striped today), and put my hair in pony tails.  He massaged my arms and put on a movie for us to watch as he worked.  He sprayed perfume on me as well. 
Kaden said he would happily go to the dentist some time soon so he could earn an ice cream coupon and take me out to DQ.  For Kaden - that's huge (going to the dentist, that is).
We played Angry Birds on my tablet, and read stories in the living room.  It was a perfect Sunday afternoon and evening. 
Madison and Adrian have been gone all weekend at Youth Convention, so I feel like I've already lost a few days with them before we leave.

And we leave tomorrow. 
And we've waited eagerly for this trip... but the tears keep coming and I already hurt witho how much I will miss my kids.
So, besides my dislike of being in small, enclosed tincan-like spaces for hours on end, I am praying for peace in another way. 

And this morning I found this awesome piece:

In Luke 11 - "If you then, though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?"

BUT when this similar statement of Jesus is mentioned in Matthew 7, it ends a bit differently -  "If you, then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

Why does Luke 11 specifically mention the Holy Spirit?  What if we weren't asking for the Holy Spirit? What if the gift we were asking for was something else?  Why is this "good gift" from Luke specifically named "the Holy Spirit" in Matthew?

"The answer to this question uncovers the beauty of the Spirit of God in our lives. 
Think about it this way.  Maybe you are going through a struggle in your life, and you are hurting.  So you go to God in prayer, and you ask him to comfort you.  Do you realize what God does?  He doesn't give you comfort.  Instead He gives you the Holy Spirit, who is the Comforter...

Suppose another time you are making a big decision in your life, and you need help.  So you ask God for help.  But he doesn't answer with guidance.  Instead he answers by sending the Holy Spirit, who is our Guide.  God sends the Helper, who will not only tell you what decision to make but also enable you to make that decisiion.

Yet another time you need discernment, and God gives you the Spirit of Wisdom.  At other times you need strength, and God gives you the Spirit of Power. 

This is the great promise of God in prayer.  We ask God for gifts in prayer, and he gives us the Giver.  We ask God for supply, and he gives us the Source."

David Platt, in his book RADICAL. 

Wear your baby

"The more your child wants to pull away from you, the more you need to hold them. The more you want to pull away from your child, the more you need to hold them."

I read this wonderful blog post recently.  The problem is I had looked at so many blogs and I lose track of what's where.  But this anonymous blogsite had awesome information regarding physical touch.  I found "it" after cruising around through this site  http://createdforcare.org/

The topic was physical touch for children after adoption.  From my experience with my 4 birth children - I think much of this holds true for them as well. 

Of course several people came up with the several reasons that several types of children wouldn't do well with this.  But that's rare.  We've always been a hugging, lap-holding type of family.  But as my kids have gotten older, the natural need to touch and pick up and hold on to kind of fades away.  So I'm trying to be more intentional with touching my kids. 

And another catch phrase from "that site" was Wear Your Baby.  They are talking for hours a day.  So, I'm hoping I've gotten the right carrier (that slim, blonde, pretty lady isn't me - although I can almost see a resemblance;). 

Dean's parents found this Mei Tei sash when we were in the States. It looks like the perfect solution for babies and toddlers.  So I plan to wear my baby all around China and back home!

The countdown begins!

Tomorrow is April 1st.  Normally that means several things:  April fool's day, my sister's birthday, my dad's birthday, and this year that's a Sunday, so there's church and spending time with friends.

But this year, April first is also a milestone.  It marks our one month until we travel to China.  After tomorrow we count down the days until that month fades out and we are off! 

Never mind the fact that we are travelling overseas, to a country with a different language, and to pick up our new daughter to forever change our family.  Never mind all of that, and I usually am tied up in knots at this point before I travel.  Because I'm excited?  No. 

12 years ago I experience a new level of fear and it just grew and grew.  It was while we were on a short, simple flight from Edmonton to Winnipeg.  We got caught in a hailstorm when our oldest two kids were babies - and the plane ahead of us had to emergency land in Winnipeg (although en route to Toronto) because its windshield had been cracked by hail.  We were made to delay our landing and we circled the air in that storm.  We were shaken around like marbles in a tin can.  Kids were screaming and most everyone's knuckles were white as they grabbed the armrests (as if that would hold us steady!).  Maybe we were never in any danger - planes are made to withstand a lot.  But the feeling of vulnerability was terrible.  My happy-go-lucky attitude that took me to South Africa and even to Israel now became agony to fly a couple of hours to Calgary.

The next year the tragedy of 9/11 happened and my fears hit a new height. 

I've refused to stop flying.  Since that time I've flown at least a dozen times.  At first I tried to hide my feelings from my family.  But that became impossible after a while.  On one flight coming home from Florida, I grabbed onto a guy sitting next to me, and onto Dean on the other side of me.  On my fight to PEI last year I even pulled on a man's arm during tubulance, because he had earlier told me that he'd flown all over the world many times.  He yanked his earphones out and calmed me down.

But calming me down doesn't take much any more.
I've gone from sheer panic - turning so cold I can't feel my hands, racing heart, crying, shaking... to looking like most other passengers.  It's been a 2 year journey, and I know it's not over yet, but I've come a long way.  I can see today that God's been preparing me to go get our little one.  Even if I'm not looking forward to flying and just LOVING being on that long international flight, I'm no longer dreading it. 

I seriously thought I was the only one with these feelings.  I used to look around me on a flight and see all the people sleeping or calmly reading a magazine, and I'd think "Panic, people!  Don't you see things could go really wrong here?"  The pilot would announce "Seatbelts, please."  And I'd be gripping the armrests and practicing lamaze breathing.  I imagined the cockpit with flashing lights and warning buzzers while he and the co-pilot wrestled to keep that plane in control.  My mind was my own worst enemy!

But as I've begun to share this crazy fear with a few people - friends of friends or friends of family have asked how I deal with this.  What can they do to not be afraid to fly...

First of all - I'm very aware of the safety standards for airlines, and that the stats regarding air tragedies are way lower than roadway tragedies (don't get me started on the possibility of being in a car crash!  Having been hit 9 times I think I should be safe for the rest of my life!).  Some of this logic does help me settle my mind - after all it's what I focus on that leads me into peace or into fear.  I do rehearse the design of a plane's body and how it's meant to flex, and that turbulance does not take a plane down.

But fear is an irrational creature - during the most risky part of a flight (take off and landing) I'm perfectly fine.  So I have had to push beyond facts and figures to find freedom from this fear.

My usual mode before leaving on a holiday or for a conference, was to beg God every night for weeks ahead of time, to give me peace.  Why doesn't he just shower me with His peace? I often wondered. 

I listened to a pastor speak on freedom from fear one day over 2 years ago.  I began to understand that in my desperation for peace and freedom from fear, I wanted to skip the relationship with God that he was calling me to, and just have him hand me his gifts.  It's not that he didn't want to, but God couldn't.  He wasn't holding out on me.  I began to see that God IS peace.  God IS love.  And if God is those things, He can't just give them away.  They become mine as I become His. 

I've begun to spend time talking to God in a new way since then.  It's not been because I should, or because I want to "do devotions". It's not so that I can stop feeling guilty for not reading my Bible or praying enough.  None of those things drew me.
But God allowed my need for peace to push me to spend time with Him.  Suddenly I knew I had to KNOW Him more.  And inch by inch, day by day, and now year by year, I am coming to know my heavenly Father in new ways.  His goodness and peace and love are deeper and more intense than I ever imagined. 

Sometimes I still feel very small and far away from God.  But it's not true.  I've made conscious decisions every day, to believe God's Word (and that's a whole other journey!!).

So all the butterflies and skipped heartbeats that I'm having are due to anticipation and excitement - not fear.  I'm surprised by my own excitement, and blessed by a Father who cares about me and longs to share Himself with me - not just a brief measure of peace.

We fly out May 1st!

Ready, set...

I got "the call" tonight!

We are in "ready, set" mode for the next few weeks and then we GO!
We need to make arrangments to get ourselves to Beijing, and then to Xian, Shaanxi Province.
We will hold our daughter in our arms for the first time on Monday, May 7th, 2012!

Beijing is 14 hours ahead of Manitoba time - which means little Baby B is just going down for her afternoon nap, while I am getting ready to lie down for the night.  I often do that - imagine what she's doing and what time of day/night it is where she is.  We were given a sort of daily schedule for her, and according to that she naps for almost 3 hours every afternoon... Hopefully that's a special trait we can resume together when we come back to Canada! 

I found my 3 boys these great shirts at the Children's Place the other day.  They are all the same - a bright teal blue with white letters that yell out 'Most Awesome Big Brother'.  I hope to have them wear them to the airport when they come to meet their sister for the first time.  Madison wants one too - but we couldn't find a sister one, so I told her I'd print one up for her that said, "I love to change diapers"... she just rolled her eyes like she was a teenager - oh wait!  She is one!  My first baby is turning 14 this week. 

Some of our hopes and plans for this trip are:
~visit Bronwyn's birth city and get pix of interesting places close to where she spent her first year
~ask to visit the Child Welfare Institute (or at least get a pix of the outside of the building)
~locate her "finding place" and get a picture for her
~buy Sweet B squeaky shoes - (I am SO crazy about these - it's almost weird)
~pick up a jade bracelet for Madison and Bronwyn (Chinese tradition has mama wear this on her left wrist, closest to her heart.  Then the bracelet is given to daughter on her wedding day)
~if little B is up for it, do some touring and get pictures of her at different famous places in Xi'an and Beijing

I have already begun Sweet B's scrapbook - and all of these photo ops could go in that book and give her a more traceable "beginning". 

Oh - and I have to cave in and learn to skype.  I've resisted so far (for the same reason I still don't have an iphone - I feel railroaded into these electronic services by monster companies).  But there is no way I can go and experience such amazing things for over 2 weeks without connecting with the 4 little people waiting for us back home.  I've never left my kids for more than a week - and even that was hard.  Nobody better grow an inch  or lose a tooth while I'm not around to see it!

As for all the fears that seem so intent on chasing me down... I'm not listening.  Our promises from God and the little "coincidences" along our adoption journey have made it so very clear to us that this is God's plan.  And he who began a good work is faithful to complete it. 

So the next few weeks we'll be getting ready, getting all set to... GO!

So I have been reading this book

and it quotes Gary Smalley as suggesting that you ask kids stuff to better see what God has put inside them for His divine plans.

I'm all up for that.  As most moms (I think) sometimes I look at these little people God has gifted me with and wonder, "Who are you?" and how do I communicate my love and God's love uniquely to you?

One of the questions he recommended is "If you could be any character from the Bible, who would you be?"
So I asked my 2 boys as we drove along the other night.

As Kaden pondered this silently in the back (I've never thot of that, why is Mom asking me that, who would I want to be, why would I want to be that person, what if I think of more than one person, what if I only want to be a certain part of a person...) I waited - I always expect him to think for a while before answering.
But before I had even finished the question my Carson had an immediate answer: 'I'll be God."
As I've thot many times - Could 2 kids possibly be any different?

But I don't have a preference of what answer I liked better.  In fact each response made me giggle a bit because they were SO VERY typical of my youngest two boys.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.
This situation reminded me of a phrase from The Shack, where Heavenly Father looks at one of His children, a twinkle comes into His eye, and He says, "I'm so very fond of her."  and then He looks at another of His children and His expression softens and He says, "I'm particularly fond of him."

I'm a mother, not a father, but this aspect of the Father's heart I really do understand - that each individual child brings me such pleasure just by being so incredibly themselves.   In fact, I would not have had nearly the pleasure from hearing one of my sons try to tell me which character he thought I would want him to be - of that his friends thought was great. 

I'm also reading

and Liebscher tells of the pressure to preach well, to perform well.  Before a particular large youth service, God asked him "Banning, you have a choice.  You can either choose to be a preacher or a son.  If you choose to be a pracher, you will be good sometimes and other times you won't be that good.  But if you choose to be a son, you will always be good because you are a fantastic son."  So his motive for preaching changed.  He pursued being a son - pursued intimacy with Father, and preached out of that relationship.

A girlfriend recently told me she was learning how to "just be." 
Another girlfriend wrote about her home in a book that she's had published, "it is a place where no one has to 'try' to be a Christian.  They just are."

On the heels of Kevin Costner's remarks at Whitney Houston's funeral, these words seem profound.  While this beautiful, talented woman continually wondered, "am I good enough?", we are given this incredibly free request from Father:  Just Be.  Just be my daughter.  Just be my son.  All these other things - all the requirements of the law have already been fulfilled by Jesus Christ. 
Learning how to just be a son/daughter of God will bring us in to alignment with His purposes and plans.  As this intimacy increases, so will my discerning of His heart and His will. 

I love that my boys didn't try to give me a desired answer that evening.  They just were.  They just spoke out of who they are.  And it gave me such pleasure.

Getting ready

I was so wrong.
I thought that once we had been matched - once we knew for sure who our daughter was that this would get easier.
The waiting is hard! 
I've never been very good at waiting - my main mode for being patient is to keep busy with things to distract myself.
So... we have been very busy! 

We built a small extra room in the basement for Adrian to have his own little cozy place.  With stained pine boards and metal wall lights that have moose-shapes cut out, with a rustic duvet cover and and black wall decals that read "Courage means being afraid, and saddling up anyway," Adrian has his own little cabin getaway. 
I'm so proud of Dean for finding a way to cut his own whole in that thick basement wall and put in a new window by himself!  It looks awesome - and that wide window ledge makes a great place for AJ to clutter up with stuffies and knickknacks!

Moving Adrian into his own room, meant Carson could move downstairs to share a room with Kaden.  Those two creative, imaginative souls have quite the disaster constantly.  They seem to enjoy their little pig pen, and get so frustrated when I come down to make them clean up.

Then began the big job of redoing the upstairs bedroom for Bronwyn.  It used to be AJ's room, then Kaden & Carson's, then just Carson's.  Until now. 

--dents in the wall from ramping hotwheels cars off the top bunk

--ketchup stains in the carpet:  looong story...

--peeled off wallpaper trim (which once looked nice for about 3 days before the boys found a loose edge to pick at)

--a large hole in the wall behind the door from someone flying into the room and putting the doorknob thru the drywall

My boys aren't excessively rough - really, they aren't.  It's just that life happens, and my boys do have a lot of ideas about what makes up a fun day.

This is what was left of the room when Carson moved out:

So we began by ripping out the carpet and taking off all the trim.  Light blue went on the walls, and we turned the trim white.  My sister Theresa came over - and she usually brings the party, so things went along with a lot of laugh.

We pulled out the crib - but it took us a long time to set it up.  It seems that in the past 5 years we had forgotten a few of the steps.  Finally we got it figured out.

The big white cubby shelf from the music room came upstairs, and my friend Diane gave us a little white dresser to use. Madison and I had fun filling Baby B's closet and drawers and shelves with pretty little things and cute books and toys.







And then I insisted on a new light fixture.  I hate every one of the ceiling mounted globe lights that were in this house when we bought it.  Thank goodness way back when I'd painted the boys' ceiling years ago, with brown paint, I'd gotten a good splotch on that ugly light.  It just had to be tossed out.  And with a lot of mumbling and nattering, Dean got this one up just perfectly. 



So that's done...

And we still haven't heard when we fly to get our little one...

So I began to collect the thing we might need in China - according to numerous blogs and suggestions from people who have done this before. 

Here are the main things I learned from those who have gone before me:

1. Pack light but bring everything you can think of.

2. Don't bring too much money b/c it's expensive to change it back into Canadian - but bring lots of money because you never know what you'll need.

3. Some people try to travel for adoption purposes with only a carry-on.  But be sure to make enough room to bring back many presents and purchases for baby in the coming years. 

Wow...

But truly, many of the sites and individuals were very helpful, and so I got stashing things in this waiting room.

We are ready as we can be for this new little person!