Wear your baby

"The more your child wants to pull away from you, the more you need to hold them. The more you want to pull away from your child, the more you need to hold them."

I read this wonderful blog post recently.  The problem is I had looked at so many blogs and I lose track of what's where.  But this anonymous blogsite had awesome information regarding physical touch.  I found "it" after cruising around through this site  http://createdforcare.org/

The topic was physical touch for children after adoption.  From my experience with my 4 birth children - I think much of this holds true for them as well. 

Of course several people came up with the several reasons that several types of children wouldn't do well with this.  But that's rare.  We've always been a hugging, lap-holding type of family.  But as my kids have gotten older, the natural need to touch and pick up and hold on to kind of fades away.  So I'm trying to be more intentional with touching my kids. 

And another catch phrase from "that site" was Wear Your Baby.  They are talking for hours a day.  So, I'm hoping I've gotten the right carrier (that slim, blonde, pretty lady isn't me - although I can almost see a resemblance;). 

Dean's parents found this Mei Tei sash when we were in the States. It looks like the perfect solution for babies and toddlers.  So I plan to wear my baby all around China and back home!

The countdown begins!

Tomorrow is April 1st.  Normally that means several things:  April fool's day, my sister's birthday, my dad's birthday, and this year that's a Sunday, so there's church and spending time with friends.

But this year, April first is also a milestone.  It marks our one month until we travel to China.  After tomorrow we count down the days until that month fades out and we are off! 

Never mind the fact that we are travelling overseas, to a country with a different language, and to pick up our new daughter to forever change our family.  Never mind all of that, and I usually am tied up in knots at this point before I travel.  Because I'm excited?  No. 

12 years ago I experience a new level of fear and it just grew and grew.  It was while we were on a short, simple flight from Edmonton to Winnipeg.  We got caught in a hailstorm when our oldest two kids were babies - and the plane ahead of us had to emergency land in Winnipeg (although en route to Toronto) because its windshield had been cracked by hail.  We were made to delay our landing and we circled the air in that storm.  We were shaken around like marbles in a tin can.  Kids were screaming and most everyone's knuckles were white as they grabbed the armrests (as if that would hold us steady!).  Maybe we were never in any danger - planes are made to withstand a lot.  But the feeling of vulnerability was terrible.  My happy-go-lucky attitude that took me to South Africa and even to Israel now became agony to fly a couple of hours to Calgary.

The next year the tragedy of 9/11 happened and my fears hit a new height. 

I've refused to stop flying.  Since that time I've flown at least a dozen times.  At first I tried to hide my feelings from my family.  But that became impossible after a while.  On one flight coming home from Florida, I grabbed onto a guy sitting next to me, and onto Dean on the other side of me.  On my fight to PEI last year I even pulled on a man's arm during tubulance, because he had earlier told me that he'd flown all over the world many times.  He yanked his earphones out and calmed me down.

But calming me down doesn't take much any more.
I've gone from sheer panic - turning so cold I can't feel my hands, racing heart, crying, shaking... to looking like most other passengers.  It's been a 2 year journey, and I know it's not over yet, but I've come a long way.  I can see today that God's been preparing me to go get our little one.  Even if I'm not looking forward to flying and just LOVING being on that long international flight, I'm no longer dreading it. 

I seriously thought I was the only one with these feelings.  I used to look around me on a flight and see all the people sleeping or calmly reading a magazine, and I'd think "Panic, people!  Don't you see things could go really wrong here?"  The pilot would announce "Seatbelts, please."  And I'd be gripping the armrests and practicing lamaze breathing.  I imagined the cockpit with flashing lights and warning buzzers while he and the co-pilot wrestled to keep that plane in control.  My mind was my own worst enemy!

But as I've begun to share this crazy fear with a few people - friends of friends or friends of family have asked how I deal with this.  What can they do to not be afraid to fly...

First of all - I'm very aware of the safety standards for airlines, and that the stats regarding air tragedies are way lower than roadway tragedies (don't get me started on the possibility of being in a car crash!  Having been hit 9 times I think I should be safe for the rest of my life!).  Some of this logic does help me settle my mind - after all it's what I focus on that leads me into peace or into fear.  I do rehearse the design of a plane's body and how it's meant to flex, and that turbulance does not take a plane down.

But fear is an irrational creature - during the most risky part of a flight (take off and landing) I'm perfectly fine.  So I have had to push beyond facts and figures to find freedom from this fear.

My usual mode before leaving on a holiday or for a conference, was to beg God every night for weeks ahead of time, to give me peace.  Why doesn't he just shower me with His peace? I often wondered. 

I listened to a pastor speak on freedom from fear one day over 2 years ago.  I began to understand that in my desperation for peace and freedom from fear, I wanted to skip the relationship with God that he was calling me to, and just have him hand me his gifts.  It's not that he didn't want to, but God couldn't.  He wasn't holding out on me.  I began to see that God IS peace.  God IS love.  And if God is those things, He can't just give them away.  They become mine as I become His. 

I've begun to spend time talking to God in a new way since then.  It's not been because I should, or because I want to "do devotions". It's not so that I can stop feeling guilty for not reading my Bible or praying enough.  None of those things drew me.
But God allowed my need for peace to push me to spend time with Him.  Suddenly I knew I had to KNOW Him more.  And inch by inch, day by day, and now year by year, I am coming to know my heavenly Father in new ways.  His goodness and peace and love are deeper and more intense than I ever imagined. 

Sometimes I still feel very small and far away from God.  But it's not true.  I've made conscious decisions every day, to believe God's Word (and that's a whole other journey!!).

So all the butterflies and skipped heartbeats that I'm having are due to anticipation and excitement - not fear.  I'm surprised by my own excitement, and blessed by a Father who cares about me and longs to share Himself with me - not just a brief measure of peace.

We fly out May 1st!

Ready, set...

I got "the call" tonight!

We are in "ready, set" mode for the next few weeks and then we GO!
We need to make arrangments to get ourselves to Beijing, and then to Xian, Shaanxi Province.
We will hold our daughter in our arms for the first time on Monday, May 7th, 2012!

Beijing is 14 hours ahead of Manitoba time - which means little Baby B is just going down for her afternoon nap, while I am getting ready to lie down for the night.  I often do that - imagine what she's doing and what time of day/night it is where she is.  We were given a sort of daily schedule for her, and according to that she naps for almost 3 hours every afternoon... Hopefully that's a special trait we can resume together when we come back to Canada! 

I found my 3 boys these great shirts at the Children's Place the other day.  They are all the same - a bright teal blue with white letters that yell out 'Most Awesome Big Brother'.  I hope to have them wear them to the airport when they come to meet their sister for the first time.  Madison wants one too - but we couldn't find a sister one, so I told her I'd print one up for her that said, "I love to change diapers"... she just rolled her eyes like she was a teenager - oh wait!  She is one!  My first baby is turning 14 this week. 

Some of our hopes and plans for this trip are:
~visit Bronwyn's birth city and get pix of interesting places close to where she spent her first year
~ask to visit the Child Welfare Institute (or at least get a pix of the outside of the building)
~locate her "finding place" and get a picture for her
~buy Sweet B squeaky shoes - (I am SO crazy about these - it's almost weird)
~pick up a jade bracelet for Madison and Bronwyn (Chinese tradition has mama wear this on her left wrist, closest to her heart.  Then the bracelet is given to daughter on her wedding day)
~if little B is up for it, do some touring and get pictures of her at different famous places in Xi'an and Beijing

I have already begun Sweet B's scrapbook - and all of these photo ops could go in that book and give her a more traceable "beginning". 

Oh - and I have to cave in and learn to skype.  I've resisted so far (for the same reason I still don't have an iphone - I feel railroaded into these electronic services by monster companies).  But there is no way I can go and experience such amazing things for over 2 weeks without connecting with the 4 little people waiting for us back home.  I've never left my kids for more than a week - and even that was hard.  Nobody better grow an inch  or lose a tooth while I'm not around to see it!

As for all the fears that seem so intent on chasing me down... I'm not listening.  Our promises from God and the little "coincidences" along our adoption journey have made it so very clear to us that this is God's plan.  And he who began a good work is faithful to complete it. 

So the next few weeks we'll be getting ready, getting all set to... GO!

So I have been reading this book

and it quotes Gary Smalley as suggesting that you ask kids stuff to better see what God has put inside them for His divine plans.

I'm all up for that.  As most moms (I think) sometimes I look at these little people God has gifted me with and wonder, "Who are you?" and how do I communicate my love and God's love uniquely to you?

One of the questions he recommended is "If you could be any character from the Bible, who would you be?"
So I asked my 2 boys as we drove along the other night.

As Kaden pondered this silently in the back (I've never thot of that, why is Mom asking me that, who would I want to be, why would I want to be that person, what if I think of more than one person, what if I only want to be a certain part of a person...) I waited - I always expect him to think for a while before answering.
But before I had even finished the question my Carson had an immediate answer: 'I'll be God."
As I've thot many times - Could 2 kids possibly be any different?

But I don't have a preference of what answer I liked better.  In fact each response made me giggle a bit because they were SO VERY typical of my youngest two boys.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.
This situation reminded me of a phrase from The Shack, where Heavenly Father looks at one of His children, a twinkle comes into His eye, and He says, "I'm so very fond of her."  and then He looks at another of His children and His expression softens and He says, "I'm particularly fond of him."

I'm a mother, not a father, but this aspect of the Father's heart I really do understand - that each individual child brings me such pleasure just by being so incredibly themselves.   In fact, I would not have had nearly the pleasure from hearing one of my sons try to tell me which character he thought I would want him to be - of that his friends thought was great. 

I'm also reading

and Liebscher tells of the pressure to preach well, to perform well.  Before a particular large youth service, God asked him "Banning, you have a choice.  You can either choose to be a preacher or a son.  If you choose to be a pracher, you will be good sometimes and other times you won't be that good.  But if you choose to be a son, you will always be good because you are a fantastic son."  So his motive for preaching changed.  He pursued being a son - pursued intimacy with Father, and preached out of that relationship.

A girlfriend recently told me she was learning how to "just be." 
Another girlfriend wrote about her home in a book that she's had published, "it is a place where no one has to 'try' to be a Christian.  They just are."

On the heels of Kevin Costner's remarks at Whitney Houston's funeral, these words seem profound.  While this beautiful, talented woman continually wondered, "am I good enough?", we are given this incredibly free request from Father:  Just Be.  Just be my daughter.  Just be my son.  All these other things - all the requirements of the law have already been fulfilled by Jesus Christ. 
Learning how to just be a son/daughter of God will bring us in to alignment with His purposes and plans.  As this intimacy increases, so will my discerning of His heart and His will. 

I love that my boys didn't try to give me a desired answer that evening.  They just were.  They just spoke out of who they are.  And it gave me such pleasure.

Getting ready

I was so wrong.
I thought that once we had been matched - once we knew for sure who our daughter was that this would get easier.
The waiting is hard! 
I've never been very good at waiting - my main mode for being patient is to keep busy with things to distract myself.
So... we have been very busy! 

We built a small extra room in the basement for Adrian to have his own little cozy place.  With stained pine boards and metal wall lights that have moose-shapes cut out, with a rustic duvet cover and and black wall decals that read "Courage means being afraid, and saddling up anyway," Adrian has his own little cabin getaway. 
I'm so proud of Dean for finding a way to cut his own whole in that thick basement wall and put in a new window by himself!  It looks awesome - and that wide window ledge makes a great place for AJ to clutter up with stuffies and knickknacks!

Moving Adrian into his own room, meant Carson could move downstairs to share a room with Kaden.  Those two creative, imaginative souls have quite the disaster constantly.  They seem to enjoy their little pig pen, and get so frustrated when I come down to make them clean up.

Then began the big job of redoing the upstairs bedroom for Bronwyn.  It used to be AJ's room, then Kaden & Carson's, then just Carson's.  Until now. 

--dents in the wall from ramping hotwheels cars off the top bunk

--ketchup stains in the carpet:  looong story...

--peeled off wallpaper trim (which once looked nice for about 3 days before the boys found a loose edge to pick at)

--a large hole in the wall behind the door from someone flying into the room and putting the doorknob thru the drywall

My boys aren't excessively rough - really, they aren't.  It's just that life happens, and my boys do have a lot of ideas about what makes up a fun day.

This is what was left of the room when Carson moved out:

So we began by ripping out the carpet and taking off all the trim.  Light blue went on the walls, and we turned the trim white.  My sister Theresa came over - and she usually brings the party, so things went along with a lot of laugh.

We pulled out the crib - but it took us a long time to set it up.  It seems that in the past 5 years we had forgotten a few of the steps.  Finally we got it figured out.

The big white cubby shelf from the music room came upstairs, and my friend Diane gave us a little white dresser to use. Madison and I had fun filling Baby B's closet and drawers and shelves with pretty little things and cute books and toys.







And then I insisted on a new light fixture.  I hate every one of the ceiling mounted globe lights that were in this house when we bought it.  Thank goodness way back when I'd painted the boys' ceiling years ago, with brown paint, I'd gotten a good splotch on that ugly light.  It just had to be tossed out.  And with a lot of mumbling and nattering, Dean got this one up just perfectly. 



So that's done...

And we still haven't heard when we fly to get our little one...

So I began to collect the thing we might need in China - according to numerous blogs and suggestions from people who have done this before. 

Here are the main things I learned from those who have gone before me:

1. Pack light but bring everything you can think of.

2. Don't bring too much money b/c it's expensive to change it back into Canadian - but bring lots of money because you never know what you'll need.

3. Some people try to travel for adoption purposes with only a carry-on.  But be sure to make enough room to bring back many presents and purchases for baby in the coming years. 

Wow...

But truly, many of the sites and individuals were very helpful, and so I got stashing things in this waiting room.

We are ready as we can be for this new little person!







Sweet B turns one!

January 25th, was baby Bronwyn's birthday.  She turned one.

She's not here, but we couldn't just let the day pass with recognizing its importance.

Carson especially wanted us to celebrate.  As we were on our way to pick out her cake, he said, "I just wish she didn't have to be without her family on her birthday."  He has since offered to share his May birthday with her because she will likely be home by the time his birthday rolls around. 

The day before her special day we went to pick out her cake.  Kaden and Carson finally settled on a bright Hello Kitty cake.  Adrian and Madison were agreeable to almost anything, so Hello Kitty it was.

Then Carson went with Mama to Walmart and he helped her pick out a couple of little gifts for Bronwyn.  He also picked out a card he thought she would really like, and wrote her a special message.

Of course we had a few little presents for Sweet B as well.

... and we thought about what to have for supper before we ate her cake.  We were a little short on time, since Wednesdays are clubs nights, so we chose to whip up a Mennonite meal of cottage cheese perogies, farmer sausage and white gravy with veggies.  Plain and simple, and so yummy.  Something we'll introduce little B to as soon as she gets home.

So we wrote a little card for the little one that has caught our hearts before we've even met her, and lit a candle to celebrate her first year.

Then we prayed a prayer of blessing over Sweet B, and we wait with anticipation until she's here in our home where she belongs so that all other birthday celebrations can include hugs and kisses and giggles and complete family pictures.

And as we offer her little gifts on this special day, we are more aware than ever that she is the real gift - from the giver of every good and perfect gift.

An unexpected gift!

We were blessed with an early Christmas present this year. 
I can't remember the last time I was so shocked by news that I felt I couldn't stand up.
We were visiting with people at the Pastor's Open House shortly before Christmas in the church foyer, when Dean stepped aside to take a cell phone call.

That call is going to change our lives. 

We'd recently been told that our adoption process was proceeding slower than expected.  We'd be waiting a long time yet.
So disappointed.
We had shared the difficult news with close friends and family, and looked at 2012 with plans for work, conferences and family vacations. 

Dean tucked his phone in his pocket and asked me to come away with him for a bit, but we hadn't made it very many steps down the hall before he whispered "We have a referral!"
I froze for a second and then felt my knees go weak.
I kept grabbing Dean's arm.
"What? What?  For real?" 

"They said to check your email - but their computers are down, so give them another hour." 
Dean ran to pick up our other 4 kids from school, while I waited...
Talking to people...
Wishing friends and church family a Merry Christmas...
All the while thinking, "I have a new daughter!"

I slipped away several times to check my inbox.
Suddenly it was there - the picture of a beautiful Chinese baby girl - almost 11 months old with cleft lip / palate. 
And this little chin that looks just like that of my other babies. 
Soft cheeks and a little bit of drool on a shiny lower lip. 
I want to kiss that little mouth and hold my cheek against hers.
Did we want her?  Did we accept this referral?

Yes!

Pastor came by my door.
Hands shaking I held out the baby pictures I'd just printed.  "Can I show you something?"
He stepped in to look, "That's our new daughter!  And Dean hasn't even seen her yet."

Dean finally came in and we looked at the pictures over and over. 
"I got to tell you!" he said. 
Dean felt that since I got to inform him the last 4 times we were going to have a baby, this time he wanted to tell me. 
But I had made sure that my cell and email and home number were on the forms.  Of course Dean's cell was on there too - in small figures under his personal info.  But for some reason - probably because Father loves these little details of our lives - the agency chose to call Dean's cell. 

A whirlwind followed: I was so desperate to fill out each form correctly and get it back to the agency in time.  I was so scared I would do something wrong or forget something. 
I calmly called Dr. Cindy (first her house, then her husband's work, then her cell, then I texted her, then I called her house again, and finally she called me back).  We went through baby's health forms and everything was wonderful.


Pictures!  I'd often imagined telling our families by giving them her picture card for Christmas.  Suddenly that was possible!
Tara!
Between Christmas gatherings and services Tara designed a pretty little card for our little one. 
Patient friend.
The newly painted bedroom in our house has been called "Bronwyn's room" for several months already. 
Her given Chinese name, Xiaoqian (pronounced Sheow chen) means Sincere Laughter or Pretty Little one ( as best as we can figure out). 
I've been learning so much about God's Grace through this process.

We will fly to pick up our little Bronwyn Xiaoqian Grace this spring sometime. 
Hurry here, season of new life and new beginnings! 

Meanwhile... since I just so happen to be in California right now - I'm shopping! 

Just look at these little boots I got at the Skechers outlet!

 And these shoes... I couldn't resist!

We can't wait to hold our unexpected gift.